


Help Me

by Criminal_Minds_Addict (nt2you)



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kidnapping, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2018-11-22 18:23:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 26,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11385807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nt2you/pseuds/Criminal_Minds_Addict
Summary: Y/N is the newest agent at the BAU and her and Spencer hit it off. It's not until Y/N is kidnapped and tortured that Spencer realizes his feelings for her.





	1. New Girl on the Block

       It was my first day at the BAU and I was super nervous. I had worked so hard to get here, but now that I’m actually here, I feel like I’m going to puke. I clutch tightly to the strap of my messenger bag that hangs across my body as I enter the elevator. When the door dings open on the correct floor, I take a deep breath and exit. I walk slowly in the doors, not quite sure where I’m supposed to be. Thankfully, a man stopped and asked me where I was headed and I told him I was here to see Agent Hotchner. He pointed me in the direction of his room and I slowly made my way to it, nervous as hell. I knocked and a deep male voice from inside yelled to come in. I opened the door and was greeted with a smile from the man I had to assume was Aaron Hotchner. He offers me his hand and introduces himself. He tells me that his team will be meeting in a couple minutes and he would introduce me then. I’m sitting at his desk, waiting, when his door opens and a women with blonde hair, a tablet, and a colorful outfit walks in and tells him there’s a case. She stops mid-sentence when she sees me.  
       “You must be Y/N!” She rushes over and offers her hand. “Penelope Garcia! It’s so nice to meet you! You seem so nice! I mean you haven’t really said anything, but I’m good at reading people and you just give off good vibes!” I laugh and Hotch says he needs a minute before we start on the new case. He steps out, leaving me and Penelope alone. I feel the anxiety of feeling like I need to say something and am just about to open my mouth and blurt out the first thing that comes to mind when she says, “I may not be a profiler, but I can tell you’re nervous. Don’t be. This team is so nice and accepting. I promise you’ll like it here.” I nod and there’s another awkward pause.  
       “You’re not a profiler?” I ask.  
       “No, I’m the technical analysis. I do all the computer stuff while you guys are out kicking butt and catching the bad guys.”  
       “Cool.” Something about Garcia makes me relax. If everyone is as nice and easy to talk to as her, I’ll be fine. Just then, Hotch comes back in and says it’s time to start. They lead me down the hall to a room with a big round table facing a screen mounted on the wall. There’s already four other people in the room when we walk in.  
       “Everyone, this is Y/N, our new agent.” Everyone exchanges handshakes and names except for the guy named Spencer. He says he doesn’t do handshakes. “Y/N has a particular skill set I believe will be beneficial for our team.”  
       “Which is...?” the man who introduced himself as Morgan asks.  
       “Along with studying behavior, Y/N is trained to... be bait? I really don’t know any other way to put it.” He looks over at me and I nod my head. “She’s been trained to draw the unsub out and then read the situation she’s in to help us arrest the unsub without getting them or herself hurt.” Everyone looks me over again and I shift, uncomfortable under their gazes. Thankfully, Penelope saves me, “Alright, we need to get going because this one’s going to be a doozy.” She pushes some buttons and pictures of the latest crime scene pop up on the screen. “Last night in Missoula, Minnesota two bodies were found in two separate alleyways...”

       It takes a couple cases for me to become comfortable with the team, but about my second month into the job, I feel pretty at ease around them. However, I still don’t offer up any of my opinions yet. It’s not that I don’t have any, I’m just afraid I’m going to be wrong and make myself sound stupid. I usually come up with my assumptions in my head and wait for someone else to say something so I can confirm or deny it. I didn’t think anyone would notice, since everyone else usually has something to say, but one day when it’s just me and Garcia, she points it out.  
       “You know, they won’t judge you for what you say, no matter what. They’re just not that kind of people.” It was like she read my mind. Her and I have become pretty close so I wasn’t as hesitant to confide in her.  
       “I’m just always so worried I’m going to be wrong or say something completely stupid and make a fool of myself.”  
       “I promise, you can’t make a fool of yourself in front of this team. They’re too understanding and sweet. They may politely correct you, but they won’t call you out and they won’t make fun of you or think less of you.” The way she says it shows just how much she loves the people she works with. After our talk, I try to make an effort to put something out there every now and then. As I do, I start realizing that the things I’m saying are right. I get more and more confident until I finally start feeling like a member of the team.

       It's a couple cases in before I have to show the rest of the team what I really do. The unsub of the case is looking for people who look pretty much exactly like me; Y/H/C, slim, tan. After we give the profile, we go back to our little room in the Santa Monica Police Department and I give them a rundown on what’s going to happen.  
       “Okay, so we know he’s looking for victims at the Circle Bar. I’m going to go in, acting like a normal club girl. Hopefully, he’ll spot and target me. When he does, I’ll scream, put up what looks like a good fight, but it will all be fake.”  
       “Yeah we all know you could take him if you wanted to,” I smile at Morgan and continue.  
       “He’ll take me to wherever it is he goes and Garcia will be able to track me. I’ll be on comms the whole time. As soon as we get the evidence we need, you guys come in and we arrest him.” Everyone seems a little nervous about putting me out there as bait.  
       “Don’t worry, this is what she’s trained to do,” Hotch reassures them.

       We set up safe words- “My head hurts” means I’m not okay and they need to come get me. “Someone will find me, the police having been looking for you” means we have everything we need and we can make the arrest. “I’m strong, I can survive whatever you want to do to me” means I know this looks bad, but I have the situation under control. A couple hours before we need to go out I start to get dressed. I keep a variety of outfits in my go bag just in case I can be of use. I pull out a short, tight red dress and pull it on. I’m in the restroom, applying my makeup and attempting to do something with my hair when JJ walks in.  
       “Do you need help?”  
       “Please. It’s so hard for me to put my own hair in fancy updo’s.” JJ laughs.  
       “I know right. It’s, like, impossible unless you can see what you’re doing.” She takes my hair and starts twisting and pinning it. It’s a lot of trouble to go through when it’s just going to get ruined from fighting, but I don’t want the unsub to be able to use it against me. I don’t care how tough you are, pulling hair hurts. As I finish up with my makeup, JJ puts the finishing touches on my hair, spraying it all to keep it in place.  
       “Wow, Y/N, you look... sexy.” I laugh. It’s hard for me to put too much thought into my appearances at work since, like I said, it’s all just going to be ruined in a fight. A nice shirt here and some light foundation there is all I bother with. I smile at her shyly before walking out, back into the police station. It’s nine, so we have about an hour before we need to head to the club. The rest of the team is going too, to keep an eye on everything. They, however, are just going in their nice work clothes. I feel jealous of Emily’s loose pants; the tight dress makes my legs feel constricted. When the team realizes I’m back, they all stop and stare. I shift awkwardly as Morgan says, “Wow. You look... Nice.” Emily laughs and agrees. I feel my cheeks heat up and I take my seat. A couple minutes later, I catch Reid looking over at me, but he looks away before I can catch his eye. Again, my cheeks heat up.  
       In the couple of months I’ve been here, I’ve developed a slight crush on Spencer. He’s just so cute and sweet and smart. I haven’t told anyone, though, and I hoped I wasn’t being obvious about it. I’ve made sure not to stare to much, but a couple of times we’ve made eye contact and awkwardly looked away. Now, I make sure not to look at him as I finish getting everything together. I grab a comms unit from Rossi and JJ helps me thread it down the back of my dress. Next, I take earings from Hotch that Garcia put a tracking device in and a necklace she put a little camera in so they can watch what is happening. Finally, I pull on a thigh holster and slide a knife into it. A gun would be too bulky- the knife doesn’t make a lump in my dress. I can feel the guy’s eyes on me as I slide it on. Unconsciously I look over at Reid, whose cheeks are bright red. I quickly look away and reprimand myself. Lastly, I slide on my four inch heels and stand up. We all pile into the vans and make our way across town.  
       “Don’t worry Y/N,” Rossi says, “We’ll have your back the whole time. Even if you’re alone with him, we’ll be with you.” I nod nervously. I was fine until the club came into sight. This is my first time alone in the field. I take a few deep breaths and repeat Rossi’s words in my head.

       The club is hot, crowded, and loud. Not the kind of place I would go, but as soon as I split off from the group, I slip into character. Suddenly, I’m not Y/N anymore, but a sexy, single woman, looking for someone to show me a good time. I step out onto the dance floor and join the other hundred people sliding up against each other. A couple minutes later I hear Hotch through the comms, “Sound off.”  
       “The kid and I are at the bar,” Morgan says. I look over and sure enough, there they are.  
       “Emily and I are at one of the tables on the left,” JJ says. Again, I look over and find them. JJ and I meet eyes and she nods, reassuring me she’s there for me.  
       “I’m at the opposite end of the bar,” Rossi chimes in. It’s a big club so my eyes have to wander for a second before I find him.  
       “I’m in the back right corner,” Hotch supplies, finishing up the sound off. They all know where I am. I’m going to be the center of attention tonight. I try to push the fact that all my co-workers are watching me out of my head and just dance. A few guys come up and dance with me, but none of them are our guy. We profiled a white guy in his mid-twenties who is slightly socially awkward. We know there’s something off about him that makes girls refuse his company which is what sets him off. It’s nearing midnight and I was starting to lose hope when a man walks up to me.  
       “He’s been watching you all night,” Spencer says in my ear. I nod slightly. To others, it probably looks like I’m bobbing my head to the music, but Spencer knows I heard him. After a couple minutes of dancing with this guy- no talking- he offers to buy me a drink. I nod and let him lead me to the bar. Somehow, we end up a couple of seats from Reid and Morgan, but I don’t look at them. The guy orders our drinks and smiles at me while we wait for them. Again, he doesn’t talk which makes him come off as strange. Once we get our drinks, he drinks all of his in a few gulps while I sip mine. Once he’s finished his drinks, he talks.  
       “So, what’s your name, pretty lady?” I giggle and say, “Rose.” The guy looks at me strangely. It’s not like the look a guy gives you when he wants you in his bed, but similar, just more... hungry. It gives me the creeps.  
       “Well, Rose, I’m Rob.” He smiles and nudges himself a little closer to me. Out of the corner of my vision, I can see Reid and Morgan watching us intently. I giggle again and put my hand on his arm.  
       “Garcia, did you hear that? Search for any kind form of the name Rob, he probably didn’t give her his real name. Also look for anyone connected to a Rob or Robert that looks promising.”  
       “Working now and I will hit you back when I’ve got something.” I try to tune out the conversation happening in my right ear.  
       “Rob huh? You’re cute!” I try to act tipsy, even though I’ve barely gotten halfway through the drink he ordered me. He smiles and waves the bartender over. He orders us some shots.  
       “But I’m not even done with the drink you bought me,” I laugh. He leans in close and says, “Well then finish it.” His words have a light air to them, but I definitely know something’s not right with him. I finish up my drink just as the guy brings us the shots. Once we finish those, he orders us another.  
       “Y/N...” I can hear the warning note in Morgan’s tone.  
       “Don’t worry,” Garcia chimes in, “Y/N can hold her liquor.” I almost laugh as I remember our girls night a few weeks ago. We went out and all of them woke up the next day with massive hangovers whereas I only felt slight discomfort. I did drink less than them, but not by much. Still, I don’t think it would be a good idea to do another shot. I don’t want alcohol to be the reason I slip up on my first case. I glance over at Morgan and catch his eye over Reid’s shoulder. We exchange a look and he breaks away from Reid, telling him he’ll be right back.  
       “Can I borrow her for a dance?” he asks Rob. Rob doesn’t look happy, but Morgan doesn’t wait for an answer. He pulls me away from the bar and we start dancing.  
       “Thanks. Garcia’s right, I can hold my liquor, but I don’t want to take any chances.” Morgan nods and when the song is over, he heads back to Reid and I try to get Rob’s attention. He looks over at me and I stare at him as I make my way out the back, to the alley between this building and the next. I figure if he is the unsub, I’m giving him the perfect opportunity to take me. Sure enough, he stands up and follows after me.  
       “Y/N, he’s going to knock you out, but don’t worry. Garcia is watching from her computers and if anything goes wrong while you’re out we’ll come get you,” Hotch promises. I’m glad for the reassurance because I’m not so sure about being unconscious around this guy. I know he always waits for his victims to wake up to do anything, but I’m still worried. The door closes behind us and the noise from the club is cut off, making it seem like it’s silent out here. Rob pushes me up against the brick wall, slamming my right shoulder into it.  
       “Hey!” I shout. He ignores me and pushes himself up against me. “Get off!”  
       “Don’t you want this? Me?” He asks.  
       “No, get off!” I yell, weakly pushing him away. The rejection triggers the exact reaction we thought it would. He roars in rage and pushes me back into the brick wall. When my head hits, I feel pain and then all I see is black.


	2. Take Down

        "Y/N, Y/N can you hear me? Y/N you need to wake up, he’s coming back.” I blink my eyes open and see I’m in a small room with no furniture. I’m chained to a pipe in the corner of the room. I squint my eyes against the light, my head still throbbing. Rob comes in and crosses the room in a few steps. 

        “You don’t want me?” he demands.

        “No.”

        “Wrong answer,” he growls, backhanding me. I fall back to the ground grabbing my cheek. I make tears fall from my eyes.

        “What’s wrong with you?” I demand.

        “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you? You don’t get to say no to me.” He punches my stomach and I double over. 

        “Y/N?” I hear.

        “I’m strong, I can survive whatever you want to do to me.”

        “I don’t care if you survive, but you’re going to give me what I want before I’m done with you.” So he needs me to say that I want him. He needs the reassurance. 

        “Robert Barlow, age twenty six,” Garcia says, “He grew up with his mom who... oh. She was a drunk and sexually assaulted him as a kid. There was never any hard evidence though, so he was never taken out of her custody. He has reports from his school counselor starting from third grade and going through tenth.”

        “What changed in eleventh grade?” Emily asks.

        “It looks like he left, saying he was okay, but... he was anything but. He was suspended twice that year for initiating fights. Looks like he has some bad anger issues. He started going back to therapy at age twenty.”

        “Why? Why then?” Morgan asks.

        “It looks like his mom tried to clean herself up and asked him to go.”

        “He’s a momma’s boy,” Rossi supplies.

        “Yes, but it looks like he was kicked out of his group because he exploded during a session and started throwing the tables and chairs.”

        “So why did he only start killing now? Why not all those years ago when he had his explosion?” JJ asks.

        “Because... because his mother just died.” 

        “There’s your trigger,” says JJ. My mind is whirling as I try to use all this knowledge to my advantage. 

        “You said your name was Rob, right? As in Robert?” He seems confused by my question, but nods his head.

        “Robert Barlow?”

        “How do you know who I am?”

        “I’ve heard about you.” I shrug. 

        “I don’t care. You’re still here for a reason.” He raises his fist again. “Say it.” 

        “Say what?!” I ask. I know I have to make this drag on as long as possible because as soon as I say it, he fucks and kills me, just like he did to all the other girls. 

        “Oh, and get this,” Gracia gasps. “Y/N could be his mom’s sister.” Robert attacks me again, punching and kicking me. I cry out, screaming for help and begging him to stop, but he doesn’t. He only pauses enough to yell, “SAY IT!” I take the opportunity to say, “I remind you of her don’t I?” This stops him. "I remind you of your mom don't I?"

        “How did you know my mom?” He asks. 

        “I didn’t know her personally, but I knew of her.” He thinks for a second and then becomes overcome with rage again. 

        “I hated my mother.” He attacks me again, this time more venomously. After a few minutes though, he stops and I can see he is crying. He gets off me and leaves, slamming the door behind him. 

        “Robert’s fingerprint matches the partial that was found on the last girl’s phone.”

        “Alright everyone, let’s move in.” It only takes about twenty minutes for the team to get to wherever Robert’s holding me. I hear them charge in, yelling, “FBI, let me see your hands.” I quickly pull out my knife, knowing he’s going to try to run in and use me as leverage. Sure enough, he comes flying through the door, only to stop when he sees me with a knife out. This gives Morgan the time to tackle him to the ground and handcuff him. I stand up and Reid comes over with the key to my chains. He unlocks me and leads me out to the waiting paramedics.

        “Really, I’m fine,” I insist. “It’s only a couple of bruises. They don’t even really hurt.” This statement is proven false when the paramedic touches my stomach. 

        “Oh really?” Spencer says. I just glare at him.

        “This needs to be wrapped.” I have shorts on under my dress so I pull it up, revealing my bruised ribs to the paramedic. He wraps me and tells me I’m going to need to be careful for the next couple weeks. I pull my dress back down, careful not to touch my ribs and follow Spencer back to the vans. I climb in the back seat and catch sight of my appearance in the rear view mirror. I squeak a little and JJ asks me what’s wrong. 

        “I look awful!” My hair is coming out and my makeup is smeared making me look much worse than I feel. Rossi chuckles as he climbs into the driver's seat. 

        “That’s what you’re worried about?” he asks.

        “No, I just mean I look way worse than I feel.” Everyone in the car looks at me. “Really! I’m fine guys!” 

        An hour later we’re climbing on the jet to go home. I’ve changed out of my dress into some loose clothes, pulled my hair into a ponytail, and taken off my makeup, making me feel so much better. However, the makeup was covering an already blooming bruise on my right cheekbone and a red hand print.  I can’t wait to get home and take a nice hot shower. I can feel everyone’s eyes on me, watching worriedly as we fly home, but I ignore them and curl up on the couch laying my feet over Reid’s lap. He’s sitting at the opposite end, reading a book. I fall asleep almost instantly.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is greatly appreciated. I'm still unsure about this so let me know if you want more.


	3. Unrequited Love

       It isn’t until a girls night a couple months later that they get any information out of me about my crush on Spencer. Not for lack of trying, though. They were constantly trying to catch me off guard or get me to accidentally spill something. They’re profilers so they caught onto it, but they want me to admit it. I held out... until they got me drunk. I mean, we’re all pretty drunk. We’re playing fuck, marry, kill with the people on our team. Except it’s friend zone instead of kill. 

       “Okay, okay. Y/N... Spencer, Morgan, Emily.”

       “Fuck Spencer, marry Emily, friend zone Morgan.” They all stared at me. It took a few seconds for my muddled brain to realize my mistake. Every single one of them would have fucked Morgan, but I said Spencer. They all start to cheer.

       “She finally admits it!” Garcia shouts.

       “Y/N liiiiikes Spencer!” JJ slurs. Even Emily says, “Ooooh, Y/N wants to fuck Spencer!” I groan and cover my now red face. 

       “That’s not fair! I’m drunk!”

       “It was the only way we were going to get you to spill it,” Garcia says.

       “I hate you all,” I groan. 

       “No you don’t!” Garcia throws her arm over my shoulder. “You love us. Though not as much as you love Spencer!” This makes them laugh even harder and it takes a couple minutes for me to be able to say, “I swear to god, if any of you says anything, ever, about this, I  _ will  _ kill you.” They all laugh, pretending to be scared. I sit with my arms crossed, not talking while they laugh about it amongst themselves. 

       “Oh, come on, Y/N. We all already knew.”

       “I know, but...” I trail off. JJ becomes serious.

       “You really like him don’t you?” I nod my head slightly. 

       “EEEEEE!” Garcia screeches. “You guys are going to be the cutest couple!”

       “No we’re not. This doesn’t change anything. I’m not telling him. I’m not going to make a fool of myself.”

       “What? You have to tell him! He likes you too!” Garcia yells.

       “Oh really? Did he tell you that?”

       “Well, no, but I can tell, just like we knew you liked him. Isn’t that right JJ?” JJ looks at me and nods. A little bubble of hope pops up in my stomach. JJ is his closest friend. If he told anyone, it would be her. 

       “JJ, what did he say to you?” I ask.

       “Well... nothing, but I can tell, like Garcia said! I’m a profiler and you guys are the easiest to profile because I know you so well. Trust me, he likes you.”

       “Until someone gives me hard evidence, nothing’s going to happen. And you can’t tell him. Everything said tonight stays in this room.”

       “Awww, come on!” Garcia whines.

       “I’m serious! This is serious! Look at me. This is serious me, not drunk me. You have to  _ swear _ to me nothing we said tonight leaves this room. Swear on our friendship.” They all look at me hesitantly, but one by one they swear to it. “Thank you.”

       “But what if he asks? What if he asks if you like him?” Garcia asks.

       “No

       “But what if-”

       “No what ifs. This doesn’t leave this room. Period.” Garcia looks sad, but nods. 

       A few more months pass and I’ve been at the BAU for about a year now. I’ve grown so close to everyone, especially Garcia and Spencer, though in different ways. Garcia is my go to when I need someone to listen to my crazy rantings. I feel comfortable around her- I can tell her anything. Spencer is like my best friend. We can talk about anything and everything and still be able to talk for hours. Something about him just makes me feel safe. Of course, there’s my other feelings about him. Like how much I want him to wrap his arms around me. I can only imagine how comfortable and safe I would feel curled up in front of him on my bed. I would love to be able to hold his hand while we walk down the street when we’re not working and tell the girls Morgan keeps trying to set him up with at clubs that he’s mine. And then there’s my  _ other  _ feelings about him. Like how I would love to run my hands through his hair and pull on it while he goes down on me. Like how I literally can’t look at him when he chews on his pens because I can only image what other things those lips can do. Like how I would love to have him cuff me and fuck me senseless in the interrogation room. Of course, no one knows how naughty I can be, but I would love to see his dominant side. Morgan startles me out of my thoughts when he comes and sits on my desk. 

       “Girl, you’ve got it so bad.” As I refocus to the world, I notice I’ve been chewing on my lip and staring over at his desk. Thankfully, he doesn’t seem to have noticed. I shake the thoughts out of my head and turn to Morgan.

       “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I try to be convincing, but it’s Morgan. He’s a profiler and my friend. He laughs.

       “Good try, but you’re not very good at hiding it. I mean, you were staring right at him for like ten minutes. I don’t understand how he hasn’t noticed.”

       “Probably because he doesn’t care.” Morgan laughs again.

       “What?”

       “Nothing,” Morgan says innocently.

       “Morgan...”

       “Nothing it’s just... he’s been just as obvious as you and neither of you seem to notice.”

       “That’s because there’s nothing to notice.” Morgan laughs again. It’s starting to get on my nervous.

       “He says the same thing.”

       “Has he actually ever said that he likes me?”

       “No, but-” 

       “No buts. He hasn’t said anything to anyone so I don’t know why everyone thinks he likes me.” Morgan looks like he’s going to say something, but then shuts his mouth and starts to leave. “Morgan, you can’t tell him, okay?” He looks at me for a second, but finally realizes that I really mean it. I probably look desperate, but I don’t care. 

       “Okay, I won’t tell him what you said.”

       “Thank you.”

 

       God, why does she have to bite her lip like that? Any time Y/N is trying to concentrate, she bites her lip and it’s driving him crazy. Reid realizes he’s staring and looks away. He sees Morgan watching him and glares when he wiggles his eyebrows. He’s harbored a crush on Y/N pretty much from the minute he met her, but he knows it isn’t reciprocated. Why would someone as good looking as her like someone as dorky as him. Nope, not going to happen. He tries to push any thought of her out of his mind, but it’s hard. He constantly finds himself staring at her and has to force himself to look away before she notices. He sighs. Never going to happen, he reminds himself as he focuses back on his paperwork. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was kind of a fluff chapter. I promise the next chapter has more plot in it.


	4. Zoos

      It’s been a hard case. They had all been up pretty much for days, but none of them could sleep before they put this guy away. He is running a human zoo out of his basement. He has cages where he locks people up and once a week he leads around a bunch of asshole rich guys and let them do whatever they wanted to his prisoners- for a price of course. Plus, he has a website where he broadcasts his weekly visits. That’s how we found him in the first place- he was posting videos of what his customers were doing to his prisoners. He called them animals, but the team refused to call them that, opting for prisoners instead. 

       They were all out doing their separate things- JJ and Rossi were at the only place in town that custom made pretty much anything metal. It was the only way the unsub could be getting his cages as they hadn’t found any online activity that looked promising. Emily and Morgan were at the last abduction site, Hotch was talking to the families’ of the victims and Spencer and I were at one of the other abduction sites. My phone rings and I answer to Garcia saying, “Okay, now that you’re all here, I think I found something. A guy reported seeing someone load what looked like a body into a van.”

      “Was it ever investigated?” Morgan asks.

       “Yes, but the man and car were never found. The license plate given was stolen and they couldn’t find it or him anywhere.”

       “Sounds promising. What’s his address?” Hotch asks. Garcia reads it off and Spencer tells them him and I are closest. We tell everyone we’ll check it out and I hang up. 

       Not even five minutes later, Spencer’s phone rings and after a few minutes of talking he says, “Y/N do you think you could interview the witness on your own? Hotch wants me back at the station to help with the geographic profile.” He must see my nervousness because he says, “Hey, it’s okay. You’re going to do great.” This was the first time I wasn’t accompanied by someone else so I was unsure, but I tell Spencer I’ll do it and drop him off with JJ and Rossi before heading up to the witness’s house.

 

 

       When my eyes blinked open the first thing I notice is the pain in the back of my head. Then everything rushes back to me. Someone blitz attacked me. No, not someone. The witness I had gone to talk to. Apparently a bit more than a witness- more like the unsub. Shit. As I look around, I see I’m in a cage. Double shit. This is not good. I try to think back to everything I can remember about the guy. He is a white man in his late twenties to early thirties. He is narcissistic and a control freak. Then I remembered why we’re hunting him. He’s running an illegal human zoo. He has different people locked up in cages and every week he’ll parade around a bunch of rich guys who can pay to do whatever they want to to the prisoners. The better standing in society you had, the more anything cost. People pay to rape, beat up, or even torture these people. Triple shit. I try to even out my breathing; panicking won’t help me at all. 

       “Are you really a FBI agent?” I turn to the cage to my right. There is a sign in front of it that says  CEO (Female) . I look in front of my cage and see the back of a sign and I can guess what it says. I turn back to the female in the cage next to me. She’s pale, and short with wispy blonde hair. She is the kind of thin that can only be achieved by not eating so my guess is she’s been here for months. 

       “Yeah.”

       “How in the world did they get ahold of an FBI agent? They’ve brought in half a dozen different people since I’ve been here, but nothing anywhere close to an FBI agent.” I sigh. 

       “I let my guard down. I thought he was a witness so I let him invite me into his house. He attacked me from behind as soon as I walked in.” I’m ashamed. I can’t believe I was so stupid. The girl’s expression softens. 

       “Hey, I’m sure you couldn’t have done anything to stop him. He gets what he wants when he wants.”

       “I know that. That’s why I should have know it was him the second he opened that door. I’m a profiler. It’s what I’m supposed to do!” I drop my head onto my knees.

       “I’m Felicity,” the girl states.

       “Y/N,” I say wearily. “How long have you been here?”

       “What month is it?” she asks.

       “July.” She sighs sadly.

       “He took me in April. April 14th.”

       “How long have I been out?”

       “Only a couple of hours.”

       “It’s July 3rd.” I felt so bad for the girl. I know what she’s been through, we watched them online last week. Now that I think about it, I remember seeing her. A man paid $400 to have sex with her. God, I can’t imagine what she’s been through these past few months. She looks tough though, she’s doing as well as anyone could be in this situation. 

       “Do you mind if I ask you a couple questions? I need to know as much as I can about how this works to be able to get us out of here.”

       “You can ask, but there’s no way out. Trust me, I’ve tried.”

       “ _ I  _ may not be able to get us out, but my team is looking for me, I’m sure of it. If I can give them  _ anything  _ they may be able to find us.”

       “How could you get information to them?” I nod towards the camera on the ceiling. 

       “They broadcast everything to their website. My team will be watching.” Felicity nods and says, “They come once a week, on a Sunday. I was keeping track of the days at first, but after a while I lost track.” She seems to become lost in her own head for a second before she snaps back to reality.

       “It was Thursday when I was taken. That only gives us two days.” My mind is whirling, trying to figure out what I’m going to do. My first instinct is to try to escape, but I know I can’t. I don’t want to admit it, but the only way I’m going to get out is the team coming to rescue me and the only way they can do that is if I can give them enough information for them to find me. And the only time I can get information to them is the next time the camera turns on, which won’t be until he comes around on Sunday.

       “There’s about six people he parades through each week and they identify each other by numbers. Numbers one and two have been coming since before I was here. Numbers two and three started here about the same time I did. You can tell if someone is new because they are more hesitant. Number four started coming about  a week after I was caught. Numbers five and six usually change each week, but some people are regulars that only come every so often.” I look around as she talks. There are probably a dozen different cages of all different sizes. The cages with the most people in them are labeled  Whore (Female) ,  Business Owner (Male) , and  College Student (Female) . There are probably between a dozen and two dozen people stuffed in each cage. The only cages with only one person in them are my cage and Felicity’s. 

       “Okay. Look, I don’t want to be caught unexpectedly by this guy and I’m sure you don’t either. Do you mind if we sleep in shifts? I’ll keep an eye out while you sleep and and you do the same? Wake each other up if he comes back?” Felicity agrees and I take the first shift, letting her get some sleep. It looks like she hasn’t slept in forever. I’m sure she’s been trying to stay awake, just like I would. It’s during her shift that the unsub comes back. 


	5. Number Four

       “Y/N. Y/N! Get up he’s back!” I wake up just in time to see him come in the room with a cart full of trays. Each tray has a roll and a paper cup full of water. I back up to the corner of my cage as he comes over and opens a slot at the bottom. Through it he slides a tray. My body urges me to run over and grab it, but I force myself not to show that weakness. I wait until he leaves to grab the roll and slowly tear it apart piece by piece. I try to take my time sipping the water, but my throat is so dry.

       “You’ll get used to it.” I look over at Felicity and she clarifies, “The hunger and thirst. Your body will get used to the amount of food and water you get each day and it will get better. Sadly, it will get worse first.” I knew all this, but I didn’t want to think about it. “He comes once a day. That means it’s Friday.”

       The next day goes by too fast and before I know it, I’m waking Felicity up as the unsub starts parading his men around. We’re at the back of the room so there’s plenty of time for me to sit nervously and watch the despicable things that the men do to the prisoners. Finally they arrive at my cage. 

       They start the bidding and the man holding a number one sign says, “$800 for a number 4.” Number four? What’s a number four? The unsub nods and calls back to someone. A minute later, two women in maid uniforms wheel out a cart with things on it. As it gets closer I can make out what those things are; weapons. Whips, knives, electric sticks, ect. My breath catches in my throat. Someone is going to pay $800 dollars to torture me? I glance over at Felicity and she looks terrified. The door to my cell opens and I try to make my way past the two huge bodyguards blocking my way. They knock me over before I can set foot outside the cell. They push me against the bars at the back of my cell and tie my hands above my head. They then bend down to tie my feet to the bars as well. I try to kick at them when they go to tie me up, but they punch me in the stomach so hard I can’t breath. 

       The men watching laugh as I pull against my bindings. I feel so vulnerable in the sports bra and shorts they have put me in. I pull my head up and look at the camera. The little red light is flashing; they’re watching. I can’t be this vulnerable in front of them. I need to be stronger. I hold my head up and mask my emotions as the man strolls over to the table and runs his hand over all of his choices. He hesitates before choosing a long, deadly looking knife. He strolls over to me and runs the knife along my stomach. I suppress a shiver. His demeanor changes as he looks down at me. 

       “Can I have a couple minutes... in private with her?”

       “You know the rules; 10 dollars per minute.” He leads the rest of the men away. I was hoping that this privacy meant that the camera would be turned off, but no such luck. 

       “So, you like to cut, huh?” He slides the blade over my thighs, lifting my shorts slightly. I groan internally. Of course he would notice that. He leans down and whispers in my ear, “I can show you cutting. He takes the blade and drags it across my stomach. He applies just enough pressure to make me scream. “Weak.” He hisses into my ear. He cuts me again. “Useless.” “Ugly.” “Worthless.” Each word is emphasized with a cut, each deeper than the one before it. Blood is running down my legs and dripping on the floor. My screams start to drown out his words.

 

       Back at the BAU the team is running around, trying to find Y/N. Spencer sits at his desk in silence.

       “Reid. Reid! You’ve been staring at that page for five minutes.” Reid looks over at Morgan without actually seeing him.

       “It’s my fault. I’m the one who sent her to interview that guy.”

“Reid, you didn’t know it was the unsub. It was a call any of us would have made.” Spencer seems to hesitate before saying, “Morgan, I think… I think I love her.” It is just barely a whisper. Morgan laughs.

“You think, huh? Pretty Boy, this entire team knows you like her. We have for months now. You guys are the ones who haven’t been able to see it.” Spencer looks up at him. “Don’t worry. We will get her back and you will get to tell her,” Morgan says, seriously.

       Garcia is flipping through street cams, trying to see if she can find Y/N in any of them with no luck. If the unsub moved her or the van, she couldn’t find them. All of a sudden, her screens all turn black. She gasps and pushes back from them. That’s when she sees the last thing she was hoping to see. She jumps up and runs out of the room as quickly as possible. When she enters the bull pen, she says, “It’s back. He’s back.” Everyone jumps out of their seats and follows her back to her cave, Morgan stopping to grab Hotch. They gather around her desk and stare at the image on the screens. A handheld camera is following a group of men around. In the background, there are cages and cages full of people. The first cage they stop at is labelled  Whores (Female) . The team watches in silence as the men make their rounds and pay to do awful things to these people. When the camera angle switches to what must be a camera up in the corner of the room and pans to a cage labelled  FBI Agent (Female) they all hold their breath. In it, curled up in the corner, is Y/N. She jumps up when she sees them approach. They start the bidding and the first man offers $800 for number four. Number four? Hotch reaches down and ruffles through their notes. Number four- torture. He doesn’t share this information with the team; they’ll find out soon enough. They all gasp as two women wheel out a cart full of weapons. Garcia lets out a little sob. Y/N looks like she’s ready to fight when the body guards open the cage, but they knock her over before she can even try. Again, she tries to fight when they go to tie her up, but the bodyguards have probably 200 pounds on her. Suddenly, Y/N looks directly into the camera and they all cringe. Tension in the room is high as the man picks his first weapon. When he picks an awful looking knife, Garcia cries out again and covers her eyes. The man asks for privacy and the room clears out until it’s just him, Y/N, and the other people in cages.

       “So, you like to cut, huh?” Everyone gasps as he uses the blade to pull up her shorts, revealing crisscrossing scars on her thigh. No one knew. He leans in and says something to her before slicing at her stomach. Her scream echoes in Garcia’s small room. They all look away, Garcia in tears and Morgan puts his hand on her shoulder, trying to comfort her. The rest of them feel like they are going to throw up. Y/N doesn’t deserve this. She has only been with them for a couple months. Spencer feels the worst. He was supposed to go with her to interview the guy, but he told her she could do it on her own. For ten minutes this guy slices her stomach up. Her screams never stop. When he finally moves away from her, they can see her tear stained face, but what makes them gasp is what they see on her stomach. The guy has carved the word  _ useless _ into her. There is blood dripping from each letter, running down her legs and onto the floor.  It’s too much for Garcia and she turns around and buries her face in Morgan’s chest. He holds her head to him, but he can barely look at the screen himself. Reid turns around and kicks the door, his anger getting the best of him. JJ places a hand on his arm.

       “She’s going to be fine. She’s a strong girl,” she says, but it doesn’t comfort him any. It doesn’t even sound like she believes it.


	6. Not Done Yet

       It feels like eternity before the man stops, but he finally does. Y/N is sobbing and her stomach feels like it’s on fire. The man calls the rest of them back in. Y/N sighs, thinking that it means he’s done. He’s not. Once everyone is watching again, he grabs a whip off the table. He slowly walks back, looking at her hungrily. Y/N whimpers. She tries to brace herself as he lifts the whip, but nothing could have prepared her for the pain of the whip coming down on her fresh cuts. She screams louder than she ever has, black clouding her vision. It only takes a few hits before she falls unconscious.

 

       They all thought the man was done when he called the rest of the men back, but they were wrong. They’re all shaking when the man reaches down and picks up a whip. They stare helplessly at the screen as the man approaches her and brings the whip down. JJ gasps as it comes down and all of them flinch at the scream that comes out of Y/N’s mouth. It doesn’t sound human. In between whips, she takes shaky breathes. Right before she passes out, she looks up at the camera and whispers, “Help.” Spencer leaves with a scream, slamming the door behind him. Morgan punches the door, leaving a fist- sized dent in it. Hotch kicks them all out, promising to tell them if anything else happens. He doesn’t want them to watch anymore. He figures the man will stop soon, considering he isn’t eliciting a response from her anymore. He was wrong. He watches alone, in silence as the man continues to whip her. He watches as the man orders for the guards to turn her around and he watches when the man continues to whip her back bloody as well. Finally, the man stops. The guards turn her back around and lock her back up, even though she’s still unconscious. Thankfully, that meant none of the other men wanted to do anything to her, since they wouldn’t get a response. They charge the guy double because of it, but he doesn’t care. He looks pleased with himself. They moved on to the cage next to Y/N’s. The label reads CEO (Female). She is short, blonde, and pale. She looks too innocent to be locked up in there. The bidding starts and the man with a sign that has the number 2 on it offers $400 for number one. Hotch glances over his notes. 1- sex. He shudders as the guards chain the girl up. Just as the guy starts to get in the cage, Y/N starts to wake up.

       “No,” she mutters. “No!” she says louder.

       “What,” guy number 2 sneers, “You want to take her place?” Y/N nods. Hotch’s heart stops. The man steps out of the CEO’s cage and walks back over to Y/N’s. The guards unlock it and he steps in. He walks up to Y/N and leans in, his face inches from hers. “You want this?” he asks, running his hand down from her cheek, over her chest, and to the edge of her shorts. She whimpers, but doesn’t say anything. Just as he starts to slide his hand in, someone says something over the walkie talkie attached to the main guy’s belt. He detaches it and holds it up to his face.

       “What did you just say?” He sounds mad. The man in front of Y/N pays no attention to this and brings his other hand up to choke her, forcing her to kiss him at the same time. Before anything more happen, though, the main guy growls, “Stop! Everyone out! NOW!” The man in front of Y/N ignores him. The guy reaches into the cage and pulls the other out. “Did you hear me? I said out!”

       “What the hell?!” guy number 2 yells.

       “The FBI are watching us. My tech guy just told me he found their server tuned into our show.” Guy number 2 stares at him, his mouth agape. The main guy pulls a ski mask down over his face and looks directly into the camera. “You think you can catch me? I’d like to see you try. Is it because we took your agent? She’s such a good product, though. A huge money maker.” He grabs a knife and jumps into Y/N’s cage. He places it just above her heart and puts enough pressure on it to make blood well up. Y/N struggles to pull away. “You try anything and she’s dead.” He reaches down to his walkie talkie and says, “Cut it off.” The screen goes black.


	7. Wounds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is late. I completely forgot what day it is.

       I wake up sometime later. Felicity is leaning against the bars of her cage, facing me. I start to get up, but can’t move without searing pain in my back and stomach. Felicity scrambles to her feet and runs to the bars closest to me.

       “Y/N! Are you okay? That’s a dumb question, obviously you’re not okay. What can I do? Can I help?” She says everything very fast, without stopping to breathe. She reminds me of Garcia and I start to laugh, but it hurts too much. I grab my side and when I pull my hand away, it’s covered in blood. In fact, the bottom of my cage seems to be covered in blood.  _ Okay, Y/N think. What do you need to do? You’re bleeding. A lot. Stop the blood. I need to stop the blood.  _ I look around the cage and see a shirt lying near the door. With much pain, I drag myself over to it. I try to prop myself up on the cage, so I’m sitting, but it hurts so much. With a scream, I haul myself up. I’m breathing heavily as I stare down at the shirt. It takes all my strength to bring the shirt up to my mouth so I can rip a piece off. Slowly, I tear the shirt into strips, wrapping them around my body. They soak through almost immediately, but it’s all I have at the moment. The shirt only covers up to my chest and I need some to cover the top of my back. Felicity pulls her’s off and tosses it into my cage. “Here, have mine.” I grunt as I lean over to grab it. Thankfully I don’t use much and can use the leftovers to cover the places that are bleeding most. I won’t be able to sustain these kinds of injuries again. If I’m still here next Sunday, I have to hope that they will realize that I will die if they do it again. My heartbeat is too rapid and I try to control my breathing. I need to have full control over my mind right now, which means no panic attacks. I haven’t had a panic attack in years, but this definitely feels like the beginning of one.

       “Felicity, I need you to coach me on my breathing. In for four seconds out for four seconds. Count.” I choke out. She does and I finally get myself back under control.

       “Are you okay?” she asks.

       “I am now.” I see her face and clarify, “I was starting to have a panic attack. I haven’t had them in years, but obviously, this is bringing them back.”

       “Understandable.” She hesitates before saying, “Thank you. That man, he would have…”

       “I know. We were watching last week and I remembered him.”

       “Thank you.” She says again and I nod. “Why did you do it? He would have done the same thing to you.”

       “I guess I just felt like it was my responsibility. I’m an FBI agent so I’m supposed to protect civilians.” Felicity’s face softened. I didn’t want her to say anything else so I change the subject, “How long was I out?”

       “A while. Not a full day because he hasn’t given us any food yet, but a long time.” I nod, my mind racing. I gave my team no information. I couldn’t, I didn’t have anything  _ to _ give them. But that had been my only chance to talk to them until next week so I feel disappointed I didn’t say  _ something _ . How are we going to get out? I’m sure they’re still looking for me, but we didn’t even know this was happening until just recently. I don’t know why I thought they could work magic just because I was stupid enough to get taken. My head starts to spin and I know if I don’t get something to eat soon I’m going to pass out again and I can’t afford to do that. I have to stay alert and pay attention to my wounds. I can’t let them get any worse. I survey  my body, looking for anything other than the obvious wounds on my stomach and back. I find my wrists had been rubbed raw from me straining against the bonds they put me in. My ankles didn’t look much better. I unwrap a couple strips of cloth from my middle and cover the raw skin.

       A couple hours later, we are finally given food. I quickly devour my bread and water and am soon looking at an empty tray. That little bit of sustenance hadn’t been enough, but I should be able to last another 24 hours without passing out.

  
  


       Three days after the video was live, the team is still scrambling around, desperate for any new leads. They are going through everything they had for what felt like the hundredth time when Garcia comes running in.

       “I’ve narrowed down the location! I’ve got a hundred-mile radius.”

       “That’s not enough Garcia. It’s too much land,” Spencer says.

“I know. I’m still trying to go through all their proxy servers and find the original location. I just thought I would let you know.”

       “How long until you find it?” Morgan asks.

       “I don’t know. A day? Two at the most.” That perked everyone up.

       “If they haven’t already moved. They knew we were watching; they could have moved thinking we were onto them,” Emily reminds them. They all seemed to deflate. No one wants to think about it, but they know Emily is right. Night falls, but no one wants to go home, knowing Garcia almost has the address. Spencer falls asleep at his desk, trying to go back through the files. Garcia falls asleep in her chair, her computer still whirling, working as fast as it can. Hotch and Rossi fall asleep on the couches in their offices. JJ and Emily are in the room with all their work, asleep on the table. 

       Light coming through the windows wakes all of them except Garcia, since her lair has no windows. What wakes her is her computer, beeping and flashing the address it found. She stirs, blinking sleep away, but as soon as she sees what woke her, she screams and jumps up. Morgan, JJ and Emily are still asleep when Garcia comes running in. “I’ve got it!” Morgan jumps up, startled at first. They all follow her quickly into the room and Garcia wakes JJ and Emily in a similar fashion. She clicks a few buttons on her remote and a map with a pin in it pulls up on the screen.

       “This is where the video feed originated from.”

       “Are you sure, Garcia?” JJ asks, almost in awe.

       “One hundred percent. I can’t guarantee this is where they are now, but this is where the video came from.”

       “Alright everyone,” Hotch announces, “suit up.” They all run out of the room, stopping at their respective desks to grab their vest and guns. “Garcia, find the closest hospital to there and let them know we’re coming. They’re going to have a lot of patients.”


	8. Rescue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this is late. I was out of town yesterday.

       I am asleep when Felicity starts yelling at me. I blink my eye a few times before finally focusing on what she’s saying. “Y/N, Y/N get up! Someone’s here! I think it’s your team!” At that moment Spencer came running down the steps into the basement. He scans the room before his eyes finally find me.

       “She’s down here!” he yells up before running over to me. “Y/N,” he breathes. I shake my head.

       “You’re not real.  _ This  _ isn’t real. It’s a dream. I’m dreaming.” I’m trying to convince myself. I’ve had this dream too many times before and it’s just too painful when I actually wake up. Spencer reaches in and cradles my head in his hand.

       “This is real Y/N. I’m real. I promise.” I lean into his hand, unable to keep myself from hoping. That’s when I see him. He has a gun leveled at Spencer’s head.

       “SPENCER!” There’s a loud noise; a gun had been fired. Spencer’s now below my cell, lying on the floor. I look at him worried, until I see the man stumble and Morgan run down the stairs. Spencer ducked and Morgan shot the unsub in the leg. Morgan disarms him and JJ handcuffs him. Spencer is fumbling with the lock on my cage.

       “It’s a fingerprint lock and only his finger works.” JJ tightens the handcuffs and the man cries out.

       “Unlock them,” she demands. The guy just laughs, looking at something behind JJ. She turns around too late. There is a bodyguard charging down the stairs towards her. He’s huge; double her weight, but she holds out and they roll across the floor, fighting. Spencer has his gun trained on the unsub while Morgan is trying to get a clear shot of the body guard.

       “JJ, I don’t have the shot. You need to get out of the way.” JJ grunts and rolls the guy over again.

       “Now!” she yells and jumps off him, right as Morgan pulled the trigger. JJ just barely clears the bullet and the man grabbed her ankle so she collapses before she can get very far. Morgan helps her up and asks if she’s okay.

       “I’m fine,” she says once again grabbing the unsub. Spencer lowers his gun when Morgan raises his.

“Where’s Hotch, Rossi, and Emily?” Morgan asks.

       “Taking care of the rest of the guards,” JJ answers. “Now, are you going to open the cages willingly, possibly getting you points with the court or are we going to have to make you?” The unsub looks at her and spits in her face. Morgan grabs him and throws him to the ground while JJ wipes her face. The man is laughing. Morgan pulls his arms further behind him, shutting him up. He hauls him to his feet and leads him over to my cage. I scurry to the farthest corner. Morgan turns him around and struggles to get him to expose his finger.

       “Which one?” Morgan asks.

       “Pointer finger.” I respond. Morgan uncurls his finger, causing the unsub to cry out.

“Oh, shut up,” Morgan mumbles using it to unlock my cage. “Where are the keys to the lock?”

       “Right pants pocket,” Felicity supplies. Morgan reaches in and grabs them. Each key is labeled and he quickly finds the one that says FBI. He unlocks the second lock on my cage and the door swings up. Spencer reaches in and lifts me out. 

       “I knew it. I knew you would come.” 

       “Of course we did. I never would have stopped looking, Y/N.” I haven’t moved so much since Sunday and my vision spins. Right before I black out I manage “Felicity. Help Felicity.”

  
  


       Y/N passes out and Spencer calls for a medic. Morgan forces the man to unlock the rest of the cages, starting with Felicity’s. JJ helps her out as she’s too weak to walk on her own. Stretcher after stretcher is carried down and out as everyone gets the help they need. It takes 10 ambulances to get everyone to the hospital. The team rides back with Y/N and the doctors rush her into emergency surgery. A couple hours later Spencer and Garcia are waiting for Y/N to wake up in her room while the rest of the team goes out to get everyone something to eat. Spencer has fallen asleep, his hand clutching Y/N’s and his head resting on her bed. Garcia is working on her computer in another chair when she notices Y/N’s eyes flutter open.

       “Y/N!” she smiles. Y/N smiles slightly and whispers, “Hey Garcia.” Garcia comes up to the side Spencer isn’t on and hugs her lightly. When Garcia touches her back, Y/N flinches.

       “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! Are you okay?”

       “It’s okay, just my back... it feels like it’s on fire.”

“I’ll go get the nurse.” As Garcia leaves the room, Spencer lifts his head.

“Y/N,” he breathes. She starts to say his name, but he cuts her off, kissing her. Y/N leans into the kiss, pushing aside her pain. Lightly, she wraps an arm around his neck. After a couple seconds Spencer pulls away, resting his forehead against hers. “I was so worried. I didn’t know if I was ever going to be able to do that.” Y/N smiles lightly.

“I’m right here.” Spencer smiles widely.

       “Yes you are.” Before he can do anything else, Garcia comes back in the room.

       “Oh! I interrupted something, I’m so sorry. It’s just, I got the nurse…” she trails off as the nurse walks in behind her.

       “It’s okay, Garcia,” Y/N says. Spencer pulls away and sits back in his seat, keeping his hand in Y/N’s.

       “How are you feeling Y/N,” the nurse asks.

       “Eh,” Y/N tries to push off the pain, but everyone can see through it.

       “Look, I’m going to need you to be honest so I can give you the right amount of painkillers so you can feel comfortable.”

       “My back feels like it’s on fire.” The nurse nods.

       “What about your stomach?”

       “I don’t feel anything.” Y/N starts to panic, but the nurse assures her it’s because of the meds.

       “Makes sense that your back would hurt since you’re lying on it,” she says as she ups the painkillers dripping into me. “I know you want to talk, but the best thing for Y/N right now is sleep. We’re also pumping supplements into her body since she was so underfed and dehydrated, but sleep will help her recover quicker.” They all nod and the nurse walks away. Y/N lies back and falls asleep almost immediately, despite how happy she was to be able to talk to Spencer. A couple minutes later the team comes back with food for everyone. Spencer and Garcia leave Y/N hoping she’ll sleep for a bit since she was just awake. They let the team know she woke up and was okay, though in a little pain. Everyone is relieved to hear she is fine. 


	9. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for how late this is. I was out of town again and just got back in.   
> Also, mentions of suicide attempts.

       A couple nights later Spencer wakes up to Y/N’s screams. He jumps up and hurries to her side. 

       “Y/N, Y/N it’s just a dream. Wake up!” She sits upright with a  gasp. It takes her a second for her to realize where she is and that she’s not in any danger. When she does, she collapses against Spencer. He holds her while she cries. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks when she finally calms down. Y/N shakes her head. “You really should. It will help you feel better.” She takes a few breaths before nodding her head. 

       “When I was sixteen... I tried to kill myself.” She continues without breathing, not letting him say anything. “I thought I had a friend I could talk to, so I told her. She laughed at me. Called me pathetic and stupid. She told all her friends. They used to tease me as we passed in the halls at school. I dreamt I told her and then they were laughing at me, but then they turned into... him. And he was whipping me. Calling me pathetic and stupid because I couldn’t even kill myself right.” It was at this point that she finally took a breath. 

       “Y/N...”

       “You don’t need to say anything.” She looked away, shy, almost like she thought he would treat her the same way those other people did. He tilts her head towards him and says, “Hey, you’re safe now. No one is ever going to touch you again. Especially him.” She hugs him and he holds her close. 

       “Spence,” she whispers, “I want to go home.” 

       “I’ll talk to the doctor in the morning, see what I can do.” 

       “Thank you.” She hesitates a second before saying, “I’ve been thinking, when I do go home... will you come with me? I don’t want to be alone. We could even go to your place if you want, I just... I don’t know if I can be by myself in the silence of my apartment. And I’m sure the girls will  to do sleepovers a lot, so not all the time, I just...”

       “Of course I will,” Spencer cuts her off. 

       “Thank you.” They lapse back into silence. Finally, her breath evens out and he pulls away. “You need more sleep.” She nods and lays back down. He weaves their hands together and she smiles at him before falling back asleep. 

 

       The next morning, I find Spencer with a book in his hand. I smile and as if he can feel my eyes on him, he looks up. Before either of us can say anything, Penelope runs in.

       “Y/N! You’re awake! Everyone’s going to be so excited!” She leaves to get the rest of the team and Spencer says, “So I talked to the doctor and... you can go home today.” 

       “Really?! Oh my gosh, thank you so much Spencer!” I sit up and hug him. He pulls back and kisses me. It’s a sweet kiss and I melt into it immediately. We both jump when we hear someone whistle. Morgan is looking at us with a smirk. Both of us glare at him, but he ignores it.

       “So, pretty boy here tells me you can go home today.”

       “Yep!” I say with a smile. 

       “Well, Emily, Garcia and I snooped through your things to find your apartment key so we could bring you some things,” JJ says.

       “Thank you so much. I feel so gross.”

       “Can I have a minute with Y/N?” Hotch asks. Everyone files out, leaving him and I alone. “I just want to tell you to take all the time you need before coming back.” He hesitates before saying, “You know you’re going to have to pass a psych eval before you can come back, right? Not from me, but because of the rules.”

       “I know.”

       “Okay.” His face softens. “Seriously, Y/N. Take all the time you need.” I nod and he leaves. JJ, Emily, and Garcia come back in with a change of clothes and my hair and tooth brushes. They help me stand up and straighten out my back since my wounds have become stiff. They could perform surgery on my cuts, but the marks the whips left are going to have to heal on their own. Standing up straight causes them to start bleeding again and JJ goes to find the nurse. She applies some kind of salve and redoes my wrappings. When she’s done, Garcia pulls out a light sundress. I can’t wear pants yet so I’m going to have to wear dresses for a while. Once I’m done dressing, I walk out to the waiting area where everyone is. Spencer takes my hand as we head to the elevators that will take us down to the parking garage. He helps me into his car and we drive to his apartment. I’m still pretty weak so I stay in the car while he goes to get his stuff. After that I give him directions to my place. I make it up two flights of stairs before almost collapsing. We’re only half way up so Reid stoops down and wraps one of my arms around his shoulders. He would carry me, but the pain meds are starting to wear off so my back and stomach are starting to hurt again. When we finally make it to my door, Spencer rummages through my purse and pulls out my key. He unlocks the door and helps me over to the couch. I start to lie down on it, but my back hurts too much. Spencer has to help me sit back up and I make sure not to lean back against the couch. Once I’m situated, he pulls out the pain pills the doctor prescribed me and hands me one with a glass of water. I take it and he sits down next to me. 

 


	10. Faults

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god so I JUST realized I didn't post anything last week! I'm sorry! I'm such a forgetful person!  
> Also, I feel like the writing in this chapter is kinda off, but I can't tell exactly how to fix it so it could definitely be better. Sorry!  
> Lastly, smut. There is some smut at the end so... you've been warned.

       We sit in silence for a minute before he gently takes my hand and inspects my raw wrist. I want to pull away from him- it’s an instinct- but don’t. I trust him. I’m looking at my wrist as well and when I look back up at him, he has tears in his eyes. I grab his face and make him look at me. 

       “Spence, what’s wrong?” He pulls back and grabs my hand again. He kisses my wrist and I almost flinch. I barely let people look at my wrists let alone touch them. There are light scars there from when I first started cutting, before people started asking questions. 

       “This is my fault,” he whispers, a tear slipping down his cheek. 

       “Your fault? How is this possibly your fault?”

       “I let you go to his house alone.” His voice cracks.

       “No.” I insist. Again I make him look me in the eye. “This isn’t your fault.” He gives me a small smile that means he doesn’t agree with me. “I’m serious Spencer; this is not your fault. There was no way to know who he was.” He gives me the same small smile.

       “You sound like Morgan.” 

       “That’s because Morgan is right.” There’s a pause before I say, “Spence, I need you to do something for me.” 

       “Anything.”

       “I need you to promise you’ll listen to me. This wasn’t your fault. Please, promise me you’ll try to remember that.” He sighs, but says, “Okay.” 

       “Thank you. Now, I think I need to lie down. I don’t feel too good.” I curl up on my side on the couch.

 

       I wake up a few hours later. It takes a minute for me to remember what happened and when I finally come back to reality, I notice the TV is the only source of light in the room. I must have slept the whole day. I glance over and see that Reid is asleep sitting up on the other end of the couch- just where I left him. I smile and turn back to the TV. He looked exhausted earlier and I want him to get some sleep. There is a Doctor Who marathon going on on the BBC so I watch a few episodes before my stomach and back start hurting again. I try to get up without moving too much or making too much noise, but it hurts to use my stomach muscles. I try to pull myself up, but the pain flares and I fall back on the couch, causing my back to hurt more. I can’t help but let out a small yelp which wakes him up. He jumps up, ready for anything, before realizing what’s going on. He quickly helps me up and I thank him. I shuffle into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of water and grab a pill. Once I swallow it, I head to my bedroom to put my PJ’s on. I go back to the couch and Spencer and I finish the episode that’s on. When it’s over he turns to me and says, “Penelope called. She was wondering how you’re doing.” I laugh. 

       “I just left her, like six hours ago.” He smiles.

       “You know Garcia.” 

       “What’d you tell her?”

       “I said you were asleep and that you were the same as when she saw you.” I laugh.

       “Do you want to go to bed?” I shake my head.

       “Actually, I’m starved.” He gets up and follows me into the kitchen. 

       “What would you like?”

       “Pancakes?”

       “Pancakes? It’s like 9 PM.” 

       “I know, but it’s been sooo long since I’ve had some.” He laughs and asks me where the batter is. I point to the pantry and move to the fridge to grab the milk and eggs. 

       “Hey, I’ve got this. You sit down.”

       “No way. I’m helping you. I’m not going to order you around like a slave.”

       “It’s not like a slave. It’s like a boyfriend who’s worried about his hurt girlfriend.” I freeze at his use of girlfriend and boyfriend. It’s been a long time since I’ve had someone who cares about me like that and it’s almost strange to me. He looks at me questioningly, obviously seeing the strange look on my face. 

       “It’s just weird to hear anyone say something like that to me. I’m not used to people caring that much.” He comes over and hugs me lightly, careful not to touch me too much. 

       “Of course I care about you. I always will.” He pulls back. “And so does the rest of the team. Just not in the same way.” I smile and we go back to making the pancakes. 

 

       Spencer sees Y/N’s face after telling her he’s worried about her and it’s then that he realizes he doesn’t really know anything about her past. Someone or a multiple someones has hurt her, but she hides it well. It hurts him to see that she’s surprised he cares about her so much. 

  
  


       The next day, while lying on the couch with Spencer, things started getting a little... heated. It started off innocently. First, he was rubbing circles on my hip. Then he moved down and it was my stomach and then his hand wandered lower and he was lightly brushing his hand along my waistband. I don’t even think he knew he was doing it, but it was really turning me on. Then, I was just trying to readjust my position, but because he was spooning me, I was rubbing up against him. Which was obvious when I felt his hardness against my butt. I got an idea. I waited a couple minutes then did it again, this time making sure to rub  against him. He tried to adjust himself, but didn’t say anything. It wasn’t until I did it twice more that he grabbed my hips and held them in place. 

       “You have got to stay still.” His breath was short and I could hear the need in his voice. I waited a second before sticking my butt out and rubbing it against him. He groaned and hissed, “Y/N.”

       “Yes?” I asked innocently.

       “You have no idea what you’re doing to me.”

       “Oh, I think I do.” I rub against him one more time before reaching behind me and rubbing my palm against him. He groans and his hand tightens around my hip. The sound makes my stomach clench. My other hand flies to his hair and I wrap it around my hand. It’s not long until he’s flipping me over so I’m facing him and he captures my lips in a kiss. It’s a little awkward because it hurts to lie on my back, but it doesn’t stop either of us. His hand slides down my loose dress and pulls it up so he can cup my ass and squeeze. Now it’s my turn to groan. Both of my hands tangle in his hair as his tongue pushes into my mouth. We make out for a while until he rolls me onto my back. I don’t even feel the pain, I’m so wrapped up in him. His hands trail down to my thighs and brush across the inside of them. Up and up until he reaches the apex of my thighs. I nearly lose it when he runs his finger against me. I bite his bottom lip and his finger cirlces my clit. He finally pushes my panties down and inserts a finger in me. 

       “Spencer!” He grins and pushes another in. I pull his hair and he moans. 

       “God, you’re so wet.” He uses his other hand to tease my nipple through the thin fabric of my dress. I cry out and arch my back when he moves his mouth to where his hand was. He sucks my nipple and the dress into his mouth, wetting the dress and stiffening my nipple. His hand moves to my other boob and he continues to rub my clit while moving his two fingers in and out. His mouth releases my one nipple, then he blows on it making the wet dress cold and causing me to cry out. Seeming satisfied he follows his hand to the other nipple, repeating the process. He brings his mouth back to mine and swallows my scream when he pinches my clit. He pulls his fingers out and flicks it then goes back to rubbing, but this time he puts more pressure on it and soon I’m coming, calling out his name as I do. When I come down from my high, I finally feel the pain from my abused back and I sit up. 

       “What’s wrong?” 

       “Nothing, it’s just my back.”

       “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! I forgot...”

       “No, it’s okay, I didn’t even feel it until now.” I grin at him and the worry leaves his face when he smiles back at me. “That was amazing,” I whisper. 

       “Good,” he whispers back. I notice how he is still straining against his pants and I slide off the couch and onto the floor.

       “Y/N, what are you....” I cut him off by moving my hands over to his buttons and undoing them. I unzip his pants, freeing him. As soon as I do, I capture him in my mouth.

       “Ah! Y/N” I bob up and down taking more and more each time. He wraps his hands in my hair, just like I did to him earlier. “Y/N, stop. I’m... I’m close. I don’t want to... come in your mouth.” I ignore him and he comes when he hits the back of my throat. I swallow everything and wipe my mouth with my hand when he’s done. I look up and see his eyes are lidded and he drops his hands from my hair. “Holy shit, Y/N.” I smile up at him. He pulls me up and I say, “Will you help me take a shower?” He hesitates.

       “Are you sure?” 

       “I can’t do it by myself.” He nods and follows me to the bathroom. I take off my dress and immediately feel self conscious. Nobody has ever seen me naked like this. I don’t want people to see my scars. Suddenly, I feel like this isn’t such a good idea. 


	11. Backstory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is late and short.  
> Warning: Mentions of self- harm, suicide, and depression.  
> Also, I'm running out of chapters that I've already written so if there's anything you'd like to see in the next upcoming chapters, let me know in the comments!

       Ever since Y/N took her dress off she won’t look at me.

       “Are you sure this is okay?” I ask. She nods, but doesn’t say anything. I touch her shoulder and she jumps. “Hey, what is it?” 

       “Nobody has ever seen me naked before.” 

       “I’ll leave if you want me to.”

       “No! No, I- I trust you. It’s just going to be hard at first.” 

       “Okay. I’ll leave anytime you want me to. Remember that.” She nods and I go over to turn the shower on. I let it heat up while she wraps her stomach and back with some kind of special, waterproof stuff. I glance back and notice the scars criss crossing her thighs. I remember the video and how the man who tortured her cut her because he saw her scars. I can’t help glancing back at her, trying to figure out what could make someone as beautiful as her hate herself so much that she cuts herself. He must have been looking at her for too long because she says, “What is it Spence?” He shakes his head.

       “Nothing. It’s... nothing.” It’s not his place to intrude on her like that.

       “Well obviously it’s something. Come on, you can tell me anything.”

       “It’s not telling so much as asking...”

       “Okay, shoot.”

       “Well, as you know, we were watching... when they tortured you. And before that man started... cutting you, he pulled up your shorts and there were...” I motion to her thighs. She cuts him off, putting him out of his misery, “Scars?” She sighs. “I was hoping you wouldn’t notice.”

       “You don’t have to tell me.”

       “Yeah I do. It’s not fair to leave you wondering. And I trust you enough to tell you.” I help her into the shower as she starts her story. “Just so you know, this is all in the past. It all happened in junior high, high school.” I nod. She takes a deep breath and begins, “It started in Junior High. I got depression, but I didn’t know what it was at the time. And because of the depression, I was fighting with my family all the time. I didn’t feel like I could talk to them so I tried to deal with it all on my own. Before the sadness presented itself, the anger did. I would get infuriatingly angry and I didn’t know what to do with all my rage. Cutting was my way of letting out that rage. After the anger was self-loathing. I hated myself for anything and everything I did wrong. I remember at one point I would keep tally marks on my wrists for every time I screwed something up and when I got home I would cut myself once for each tally. Then it started to get better, but by that point I was just cutting out of habit.” She pauses and shudders a little. I want to say something, but I don’t know what. “Anyways, like I said, it’s all in the past. I finally got help and everything’s good now.” Quietly I say, “That’s not how depression works. Even if you’re on medication, there are still bad days.” She doesn’t say anything. “I just want you to tell me when those days are so I can help you through them, okay?” She nods and I turn the shower off and swaddle her in a towel. She seems to be lost in her head so I give her a light kiss. “Come back,” I say quietly. Slowly her eyes refocus as she comes back to reality.

       “Sorry.”

       “You don’t have anything to apologize for.” I lead her to her room and help her into the pajamas that are laid out on her bed.

       “I’m hungry,” she says, back to her normal self.

       “Then let’s find something to eat.”

       While we sit eating the takeout we ordered I ask him, “So are you going back to the BAU tomorrow?”

       “No.”

       “No?”

       “No,” he says simply.

       “And why not?”

       “Because I’m going to stay here with you.”

       “No you’re not.”

       “You can’t tell me what to do.”

“Spencer.”

       “Y/N.”

       “You can’t just not go to work because of me.”

       “Sure I can. I told Hotch I was going to stay home with you for a while. He said it was fine.”

       “Spencer, I’m not going to let you put your life on hold for me.”

       “I’m not putting my life on hold. I’m going to help the team from here while I’m helping you. It’s just multitasking.” I glare at him, but know that fighting would be useless. I can’t tell him what to do and I’m secretly glad I won’t have to be alone for a while. 


	12. Felicity

       I stay in contact with Felicity because after everything that’s happened, she’s the only one who truly knows what happened and how I’m feeling. A couple days after I’m released from the hospital, I get a call from her.

       “Hey, Felicity! What’s up?” I answer the phone. 

       “Hey, so, um, I have an appointment at the clinic on Tuesday to... um, to get get tested to make sure those guys didn’t get me pregnant and I was wondering if you’d go with me. You know, just in case...”

       “Of course I will, Felicity.”

       “Thank you. I don’t know what I’m going to do if...”

       “Hey, it’ll be fine. I’m sure you’re not.”

       “Thank you,” she says again and ends the call. 

 

       So on Tuesday morning Spencer drives me down to the local women's clinic. I’m nervous for Felicity. I take a seat next to her in the waiting area and grab her hand. 

       “It’ll be fine.” She’s shaking and she jumps when the lady calls her name. We both stand up and head to a room in the back. The lady seems nice. She must be able to tell Felicity is nervous because she’s very gentle and uses a soft tone. 

       “What brings you in today?” Felicity takes a deep breath before saying, “A couple of months ago I was taken and held by a man who let his friends rape me. I just want to make sure I’m not...”

       “Pregnant?” she asks. Felicity nods. The nurse seems surprised by her story.

       “Are you her partner?” she asks me and I smile.

       “No, I was there with her so I came along for support.” The nurse tells Felicity what she’s going to do. 

       “You’re going to have to wait for a little for the results. Do you want to wait or have me call you?”

       “No, I’ll wait.” She goes through the procedure and we wait for what feels like forever. 

 

       Finally, the nurse comes back out and says, “Well, Felicity, it looks like you’re in the clear.”

       “You mean I’m not pregnant?” 

       “Nope.” Felicity almost falls to the ground in relief. I catch her and help her back into her chair. 

       “Thank god.” she mumbles. 

       “Thank you so much,” I tell the nurse. She nods and walks away.  “See, I told you everything would be fine.”

       “I know, I was just so scared.”

       “I know, but you’re fine now. Come on, let’s go get some coffee or something.” I help her back up and walk outside where Spencer is waiting. “Felicity, this is my boyfriend, Spencer.”

       “I know him. He was one of the FBI agents that found us.” I nod. “Thank you. I never got to tell any of you, but thank you so much.” Spencer looks uncomfortable and says, “Of course.” 

       “Do you mind taking us to a Starbucks or something? I don’t think Felicity should be driving right now.” He agrees and we get in. 

       “How did it go?”

       “She’s not pregnant.”

       “I’m glad to hear that.” We grab some coffee and make mindless small talk until Felicity seems to be back to her normal self. After that, Spencer takes her back to her car and him and I go back to my apartment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I need filler chapters so if there is anything you'd like to see let me know because I'm kind of getting writers block :(  
> Also I've never been to a woman's clinic or anything so this is just how I imagine it'd go.


	13. A Night Out

A couple weeks later the team invites me out with them. I haven’t really been out since everything happened so I’m not sure how it will go, but Spencer convinces me that I’ll have fun and that he’ll be right there if I need anything. That night, I get ready super early and sit around worrying while Spencer finishes up.

“Hey,” he says softly, wrapping his arms around me. “Try to relax. Tonight is supposed to be fun.”

“I know. I’ve just haven’t been out since everything and I’m worried how I’ll react to the crowd and the noise. I mean those things bugged me before, but now...” He pulls me into a hug and whispers into my neck, “I’ll be right next to you the whole time.”

“Promise?” I whisper.

“Promise,” He whispers back. I hug him tightly and it feels like he pulls all of the worry out of me. When he pulls back he says, “How about this; if you start to feel too overwhelmed or panicked just grab my hand and squeeze. Sound good?” I nod.

“Thank you.” He smiles then leans down and kisses me. It’s moments like these that remind me just how much I love him.

“Come on, we don’t want to be late.”

 

Once we get to the club, we find everybody else sitting at a booth in the corner. They greet us and we order our first round of drinks. I’m fine for a little bit, but after a while it becomes too much. I don’t have any warning before my heart starts pounding and I’m suddenly hyper aware of all the people and noises. I feel like my vision is tunneling and I can’t breathe. I grab Reid’s hand and sqeeze so hard I think I leave nail marks. He turns away from the conversation and looks at me. I can’t exactly see his face as everything is blurry, but he leans in and whispers, “Y/N, you’re here with me. You’re okay. You just need to breathe.” I can’t say anything so I squeeze his hand again. He grabs my other hand and puts it to his chest. “Can you feel my heartbeat?” I nod. “Okay. Copy my breathing. In. Out. In. Out.” After a few more breaths, I feel like I’m back in control of myself again. “You good?” I nod. “Good.” We stare at each other for a minute and I can feel his love and support. When we finally look back to the group, we find them purposely looking anywhere but us. Garcia quickly starts the conversation back up and soon enough nobody is thinking about my little lapse from reality.

An hour later Morgan suggests dancing and everyone follows him over to the dance floor. I hesitate and Spence hangs back with me. I can’t handle the crowd of people dancing and I turn to tell Spencer this when he grabs my hand and looks at me expectantly.

“Spence,” I say wearily. “There’s too many people. I’m sorry.” He shakes his head.

“Don’t apologize. Just come here.” He leads me even further away from the people and pulls me into him. It’s not a slow song, but somehow when we rock back and forth it feels right.

“Spence-.” He cuts me off, “Don’t. Don’t say anything, just for a minute. Dance with me.” So we dance and when the song ends, he pulls back enough to kiss my forehead.

“Thank you,”  I breathe. He just smiles and pulls me back to the booth. We hang around for a couple more hours, but eventually everyone starts getting tired and we all go our separate ways.

Back at the apartment, Spencer and I are getting ready for bed when I say, “Thank you. For tonight. I didn’t think there would be any way I would enjoy going out, but you helped keep me grounded and I had fun.”

“You don’t need to thank me, Y/N. I’ll always be there for you; whenever you need me.” We climb into bed together and I fall asleep with my head on his chest, my breath mirroring his.

 

 

Screaming. That’s what wakes me up. I roll over in a panic and quickly turn my lamp on. Beside me, Y/N is tossing and turning in her sleep. The blankets are wrapped all around her and tears are flowing down her face. It was her screaming that woke me up.

“Y/N!” I shake her. “Y/N, wake up!” Finally, I get her to stop screaming. Her eyes shoot open and she says, “Get them off. Get them off of me please.” She’s practically begging me and there is so much fear in her eyes. Quickly, I pull the covers off and she sits up and pulls her knees to her chest. She’s breathing heavily and tucks her head down against her chest. I wait until her breathing is back to normal before saying, “Y/N?” She sniffles, but doesn’t look up. Gently I lay my hand on her shoulder and the contact makes her look up. I’m worried because I haven’t ever seen her look this terrified in a long time. She lunges into my arms and I envelope her in a hug while she starts crying again. I hold her tight and stroke her hair until she calms down. When she finally pulls away she mumbles, “I was back there and I thought to myself that it was a dream, but then I couldn’t move, ‘cause of the sheets, and I panicked. I thought it was real.”

“It wasn’t,” I say. I want to help more, but I’m not sure what to say.

“I can’t go back to sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see his face again.

“Okay, you don’t have to. What do you want to do?”

“Will you read to me?”

“Of course.” I sit up and pick the book up off my nightstand. She lays her head on my shoulder as I start to read. A couple minutes later, despite her saying she couldn’t sleep, she drifts off again. I don’t stop reading, in case it would wake her, but eventually, I fall asleep as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's been forever since I've updated. I just started University so I've been a little overwhelmed. I probably won't be updating consistently for a little bit, but as soon as I get into the swing of things at school I promise I will. Sorry again!


	14. Author's Note

Oh my gosh you guys, I'm so sorry. I know an author's note is not what you wanted, but I will post a real chapter in a couple of minutes. You know, going into this I promised myself I would always update regularly because I hate it when I'm reading a good story and then the author randomly stops posting. I failed that, I know. But starting uni was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be and this is the first time I've actually been able to sit down and write since it started. However, I'm on winter break now so I'm going to do my best to write as much as I can and start updating... maybe every two weeks? No promises, but I'm going to try my best. Sorry again, but I'll post a couple chapters in a row to make up for my sudden disappearance.


	15. David Baker

       “Y/N! What are you doing here?” Emily asks as I walk into the BAU. Everyone looks over at me surprised. I’ve only been out for a couple weeks. 

       “Don’t worry. I’m just here to visit. Garcia said you guys were back in town and I thought I’d stop by and say hi. Speaking of Garcia, I need to talk to her. Is she in her room?” Everyone nods so I make my way down the hall to her little cave. She jumps when I open her door, but is happy to see me. “Garcia, I need you to do me a favor and I need you to keep it between us.” She looks confused, but says, “Okay. What is it?” I take a deep breath before saying, “I need you to find the name of the man that tortured me.”

       “What?”

       “I don’t even know his name! I only know him a ‘guy number two’ and it’s driving me crazy. Please.” Garcia spins around in her chair so she’s facing her computer and says, “Okay let me just pull up the video.” I cringe as she fast forwards through the video, looking for a shot of the man’s face. “Here we go.” She pauses the video and blows the image up. I start shaking. I’ve only had my memory of his face until now and I definitely toned down how scary he really looks. I mean, he probably looks like a normal guy, but to me he’s terrifying. “Y/N are you okay?” I snap back to reality and realize I was clutching her chair so tight I left fingernail marks.

       “Yeah. Did you find him?”

“His name is David Baker.” I shudder once more and say, “Thanks Penelope.” I have to turn away, not able to look at his face anymore.

       “Y/N, there’s something else I think you should know. The rest of the team thinks you don’t need to, but…”

       “Tell me.”

       “He’s still in the wind.” There’s a beat before she explains, “We never found David Baker. We got the guy running the zoo, but David Baker went underground before we could find him.”

       “You mean- you mean this guy isn’t in prison? He’s out in the world, living his life?” Hesitantly Garcia nods. I almost pass out. How is that possible? All this time I thought I was safe, that he couldn’t get to me.

       “Y/N?”

       “Thank you Penelope.” I have to leave, it seems like the walls are closing in on me. I run into Reid on my way back to the bullpen.

       “Hey, Morgan said you were here. What were you talking to Garcia about?”

       “How could you?!” I shout, nearly in tears.

       “What?” Spencer asks, bewildered.

       “He’s still out there and you thought I didn’t need to know?” Immediately his body language changes. He knows exactly what I’m talking about and he feels guilty. Well good. He should. “How could you?” I ask again.

       “We thought it would be better if you didn’t know. We didn’t want you to worry any more than you already do. You didn’t need something else weighing on you.”

       “That isn’t for you to decide!”

       “What’s going on?” Morgan asks, coming down the hall. I storm up to him.

       “You too!”

       “What?” By now I’ve attracted the attention of the whole team.

       “No one? No one thought I should know?!”

       “We thought it was what was best for you,” JJ says softly.

       “Best for me?” She nods, looking guilty. I don’t know what to say anymore. It doesn’t matter, though, because at that point I can’t hold back the tears anymore and I collapse on the floor. They all rush towards me, but Spencer keeps them back.

       “She gets panic attacks,” I faintly hear him say. He kneels in front of me and I throw myself into his arms. He carries me into an empty room and sets me back down. He holds me until I can’t breathe because I’m crying so hard. He pulls back and forces me to look at him, putting my hand against his chest so I can feel his heartbeat. He takes deep breaths in and out and try to copy him. Slowly, I calm down.

       “Let me take you home.” I nod weakly and he helps me to my feet. I’m shaky so I lean on him as he leads me out to his car.


	16. Reactions

       When we get back to my apartment I shut myself in my room and lock the door. I feel completely betrayed. I can’t believe Spencer and the rest of the team kept this from me. There’s a knock at my door. I pick up a pillow and throw it at the door as hard as I can.

       “Go away Spencer!” I shout.

       “Y/N, please.”

       “No! Just leave me alone.” He opens my door saying, “Please let me explain.” I stand get up off my bed, furious. 

       “Let you explain? Let you explain! No, you don’t get to explain.” I walk up to him and push him back. “You don’t get to explain because there’s nothing you can say that could possibly make this better. ” I push him back again. “I- I can’t believe you’d do this to me.” My voice starts wavering as tears fill my eyes. I fight them back, trying to remind myself I’m mad, not sad, but I can’t stop the tears from flowing. He pulls me into him and I try to pull back and when that doesn’t work, I start pounding my fists against his chest. But he still doesn’t pull back. In fact, he pulls me closer and whispers, “I’m so sorry, Y/N. I was just trying to do what I thought was best for you. I knew you were already scared of him so I wanted to let you believe he couldn’t actually get to you.” He pulls me closer and holds me up when I collapse, crying. “I’m really sorry, Y/N,” he whispers again as he carries me over to my bed. 

 

       I end up crying myself to sleep and when I wake up, I find Spencer sitting next to me on the bed, watching me. 

       “Hey,” he says softly.

       “Hey.” He takes a deep breath before starting, “Y/N, I’m really-” I cut him off, “It’s okay, Spencer, I understand.”

       “Really?” I nod.

       “Yeah, I was just upset before. I know you were just looking out for me.” 

       “Thank god... I was worried you hated me.” I give him a small smile.

       “Spence, I don’t think that’s possible.” He smiles back and gives me a light kiss. “I think I’m gonna take a shower,” I say when he pulls back. He nods and I head to the bathroom.

 

       I watch as she closes the bathroom door behind her then go back to the book I was reading before she woke up. I wanted to go with her, but I know she needs some time alone to process everything. My phone dings and when I pick it up I see I have a couple texts from both JJ and Morgan. Both are them worried about Y/N. I click on Morgan’s first.

**Hey Pretty Boy, how’s Y/N doing? Is she still pissed at us?**

 

_ Nah, she realized we were just trying to help. _

 

**Good, I’m glad. Take care of her, okay?**

 

_ Of course. _

 

Then I go to JJ’s text:

 

**How’s Y/N doing? Is she really mad? Should the girl’s and I talk to her, maybe do a girls night?**

 

_ She’s okay. She understands we just wanted to help, but I think a girls night is a really good idea. She’s still pretty upset so it might help. _

 

**Okay, I’ll call her in a couple minutes and tell her we’re doing a sleepover at Garcia’s.**

 

_ Thanks JJ. I think she really needs it. _

 

**:) We’ll take good care of her.**

 

       True to her word, a few minutes later I hear Y/N’s phone ring from in the bathroom. She comes out a couple minutes later and tells me she’s meeting the girls at Garcia’s for the night. She packs up her stuff and gives me a kiss before heading out. 

  
  


       Once we get settled in at Garcia’s apartment, I notice the girls all looking at me worriedly. 

       “Okay, I’m not staying if all you’re going to do is stare at me like I’m a wounded puppy or something.” 

       “Sorry, Y/N, we’re just concerned,” Garcia says. 

“You don’t need to be-”

       “Look, we know what he did to you and we understand how terrifying it can be for him to still be out there. We really do. All of us. That’s why we came to the decision not to tell you about David Baker. And now that you know, I would be more worried if you weren’t scared to be honest,” Emily interrupts.

       “But-”

       “Come on, girly, you can be honest to us. We won’t judge you. We’ve all been in your situation before,” Garcia adds. I sigh and stare at the ground. A minute later Garcia comes over and hugs me and the other girls follow suit. I don’t realize I’m crying until I notice my cheeks are wet. Garcia wipes the tears away and says, “Hey, don’t cry. It’s okay.”

       “I just feel so weak,” I whisper.

       “Weak? Y/N, there are a lot of words I would use to describe you, but weak is not one of them,” JJ says. 

       “What would ever make you think you’re weak?” Emily asks.

       “Just look at me; I’m a mess. With all my panic attacks and random crying I feel like a five year old.” I’m still burning a hole in the floor until Garcia tilts my face so that I’m looking her in the eye.

       “How else would you expect someone to react to being kidnapped and tortured?”

       “I don’t know, but you guys didn’t...” Garcia stares at me.

       “And what makes you think that?”

       “I don’t know, I just-”

       “Y/N there are still times when I get real bad flashbacks to when I was shot. And it wasn’t like I was tortured or anything, but it was a big deal for me and it still scares me sometimes.”

       “You think after I was tortured by Askari that I was just fine?” JJ challenges.

       “You didn’t make it seem like it was a big deal...” 

       “Of course I didn’t, for the same reason you didn’t want us to know you get panic attacks; we all want others to believe we are invisible, that nothing gets to us, but in reality that’s just not possible.”

       “We all have suffered through the same things you are suffering through right now, even if it doesn’t seem like we did. We’ve had years to get over the things that were done to us. It’s only been a couple of weeks for you. You just need to give it some more time,” Emily advises. I look around and see the sincerity on their faces. Something about it makes me realize the truth in what they are saying.

       “Thank you,” I whisper. They all hug me again.

       Soon enough we decide it’s been a long day and that we all need some sleep. 


	17. Date Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry. I know that doesn't really mean anything, but I really am going to try to post more often.   
> Also, smut. Very much smut.

       I hear the door open and close then Spencer call out “Y/N?”

       “In here,” I call back. Spencer open the door to our room and takes in the sight before him. There are empty take-out containers strewn about the room and I’m tucked under the covers of our bed, my computer in front of me. I shut my eyes and pretend to hiss when he turns the light on. He gives me a once over and I know what he sees. I haven’t showered or even brushed my hair in days. I’m a mess. 

       “When’s the last time you left this room?”

       “I don’t know. Last night when I had to open the door for the take-out guy?” He seems to think for a minute before saying, “Get up and get dressed. We’re going out.” I groan.

       “Spence, I’m really not in the mood-.”

       “I don’t care,” he cuts me off. “We’re going out.” I groan again, but knows there’s no use fighting him. I go into the bathroom to get a shower and by the time I get out he has gotten rid of all the plastic take-out containers and picked up all of my laundry, including the bed sheets and the clothes from his work bag, and thrown them in the wash. He’s changing out of his work clothes and glances over at me when I come out. 

       “Wear something nice,” he says. I raise my eyebrows; Spencer’s taking charge. I do as he says and throw on the red dress I know he likes and go back into the bathroom to do my hair and make-up. 

       “Where are we going?” I ask when I’m done.

       “You’ll see,” he says, grinning. “You look beautiful.” I blush and find some shoes to put on. When I’m ready to go, he takes my hand and leads me out to the car. He holds my hand the whole ride, which takes about twenty minutes. When he finally stops, we’re outside of one of my favorite restaurants. We don’t come a lot because of how dressy and expensive it is. Plus it’s almost impossible to get a reservation. I look over at him and he smiles. When we walk in the lady at the counter asks if we have a reservation. Spencer nods and says, “Spencer for 2.” The lady checks her list then leads us over to a table in the corner. Once she leaves I ask, “Spence, what are we doing here? Did I forget some special occasion?” He laughs and says, “No. When I walked in to see you in bed, in the dark, surrounded by take-out, I knew you needed to get out. I figured you love this place, plus, I knew dressing up would help you feel better.” I stare at him in wonder. 

       “You always know exactly what I need. How was I lucky enough to end up with you?” He chuckles and at that moment, the waitress comes by to take our order. When she leaves Spencer says, “Y/N you can’t keep do this.”

       “Doing what?”

       “Spiraling every time I leave. You need to get out of bed and do things while I’m gone.” I open my mouth to defend myself, but he says, “I know the depression makes it hard, but you have to fight through it, okay? I have to know that you’re okay when I’m gone. Will you please try to fight it? For yourself, but also for me?” 

       “I just don’t see the point. There’s not much for me to do besides sit around.” 

       “That’s not true.”

       “Really, what do you think I could be doing?”

       “You could bake or go shopping or- or....”

       “Exactly.” He looks defeated for a minute before saying, “You could go visit Garcia.”

       “She’s always busy helping you guys. I don’t want to get in her way.”  
“She’s not helping us all the time. You could keep her company when she’s not and you could bring your laptop or a book for when she is. You wouldn’t be in her way. Plus, I know some of the stuff she has to research is heavy and having you around would lift her spirits. You don’t have to go everyday, but a couple times while I’m gone so you have something to do.”

       “Are you sure she would be okay with that?”

       “I’ll ask her, how about that? And if she says will you?” I nod. He lets out a little breath and says, “Thank you.” We’re both quite for a minute before I say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be such a-.” He cuts me off again, “Hey,” he pulls my gaze away from my lap. “You’re not. I just want to know you’re okay when I can’t be here for you. So those days you feel awful and you don’t want to do anything but lay in bed? Those are the days you need to get up and visit Garcia. You’ll help lift her spirits and she’ll lift yours. Okay?” I nod. There’s another lull in the conversation before the waitress comes back with our food. He changes the subject to lighter matters as we eat. 

       When we finish our food, he pays and drives me back to the apartment. When we get in I sit down on the couch and he sits next me. I grab the remote and flip through channels, trying to find something for us to watch. As I do, I feel him slide closer to me. Suddenly, his lips find my neck and he’s sucking on it. I try to focus on the tv so I don’t seem as desperate as I am, but we haven’t had any physical contact in over a week so I fail. Miserably. I drop the remote and my hand moves up to his hair as I moan. A second later, he removes his lips and I whine a little. 

       “Stand up.” I do as he says and he follows me up. “Take it off.” Slowly, I reach behind me and undo the zipper on my dress. Once I get it all the way down, I slowly let the dress slide down my body until it hits the floor. I look back up at him expectantly and he says, “All of it.” I reach behind me and unclasp my bra. Once that’s off, I pull my panties down and start to take off my heels. “Except those.” I raise my eyebrows and stand back up. I don’t know what’s gotten into him, but it’s sexy. He pulls me down on top of him, so I’m sitting on him, and kisses me. My knees are on either side of his hips and the points of my heels are digging into my thighs, but I don’t care. I sit on one of his thighs and use it to get the pressure I need. I pull his dress shirt out of his pants and unbutton it. He lets it hang open and I run my hands down his chest to his buckle. I undo it and palm him through his pants. He groans and attaches his lips to my neck again. Slowly he kisses down my neck and the center of my chest. I pull him out of his pants and whisper, “Condom?”

       “Y/N are you sure?”

       “100 percent.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls one out. I roll it onto him and line us up. I moan as I sink down onto him. We’ve done it before, but not like this. I use my thighs to lift myself up and down.

       “Y/N,” he gasps and captures my nipple with his lips. Now I’m the one gasping. I throw my head back and arch my chest towards him more. His hands reach around and grab my ass, moving up and down with it, urging me on. “Y/N, I’m close.” I move faster, sinking down deeper and soon we’re both gasping each others names. Once we’ve both come down from our highs, I move to sit next to him, but he stops me.

       “Room. Now.” I do what he says, quickly heading into the bedroom. “Lay down.” I crawl up onto the bed and lay in the middle. “Spread your legs.” Yep, this dominant Spencer is definitely sexy. I spread my legs a little, but apparently not enough because he grabs my legs and pulls them apart. Suddenly, he asks, “Is this okay?” I nod.

       “I trust you Spencer.” He smirks at me and starts undoing my shoes. When they’re off, he undresses then slides his hands up my body, slowly following them. Once he’s face to face with me, I try to wrap my hands in his hair, but he grabs both my wrists and holds them above me head in one of his hands. He brings his other down and slides it across my wetness. I cry out, already sensitive from the couch. My hands automatically try to grab onto him, but his hand keeps them above my head. When he slides a finger into me, I cry out and twist, pulling against his hand, but he still doesn’t let me go. He uses his thumb to continue rubbing my clit and he brings me to the brink a lot quicker than I’d like to admit. Apparently he senses this because he removes his hand and I whine.

       “Open.” I open my mouth and he puts the fingers that he was using on me just a second ago in. “Suck.” I suck and can taste myself. Apparently he likes it as well because he lets out a little moan. He pulls the fingers out and starts playing with my already hardened nipples. I cry out and try to pull my hands away once again, but his grip is too strong. His mouth replaces his hand and he moves it back down to my clit. Once again he brings me to the brink before pulling his hand away. He reaches over to his dresser and grabs something. “Can I use this?” It’s a tie. I nod and he ties my hands together before tying them to the bed. He sits up and looks down at me. “God you’re beautiful.” He gets off the end of the bed and pulls me down and far as I’ll go. Slowly he runs his hands up my inner thighs. I whine. 

       “Spencer, please?”

       “Please what?”

  
       “Do _something._ ” He leans down and his nose follows the same path his hands took.When it brushes my clit I whine again and when he finally starts using his mouth, I cry out. I pull against my restraints, but they won’t budge. He brings me to the edge again, this time with his mouth before he pulls away. “Spencer!”

       “What?” he whispers.

       “Please. Please let me....”

       “Let you what? Cum?” I nod. He moves his mouth back to where it was and starts playing with me again. He hums, “M’kay,” and I cry out as I let my orgasm rip through me. When I finally come down from my high, he unties me and I climb off the bed and kneel down in front of him. He’s already hard when I take him in my mouth so it doesn’t take long until he’s cumming. Once we’ve both been satisfied, he pulls me back onto the bed and I curl up next to him. I fall asleep as he strokes my hair. 


	18. Insecurities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of scars, self-harm, depression, and insecurities. This is just a heavy chapter. Please don't read if this will upset you in any way.

       I stand facing the mirror, naked. I was about to get in the shower when my reflection stopped me. I’m surprised by how much I changed since my capture a couple weeks ago. There are dark circles under my eyes, eyes that look vacant and, worst, my body is marred with scars. I had gotten used to seeing the ones on my thighs, but my new scars are raised, jagged, and ugly.  _ Useless _ . That's exactly how I feel right now. The only thing I was really good at was helping other people, but now I'm the one who needs help.  I turn away from the mirror, disgusted, and hop in the shower. When I get out, I throw on some pants and a long sleeve shirt, covering everything up. Spencer notices something’s up as soon as he walks in the door. He’s been gone on a case for four days, but it’s felt much longer. It’s the times he’s gone that are the worst for me. I think he’s starting to notice I’m not the same when he gets back, but he hasn’t said anything yet. I want to tell him, but at the same time I don’t. For one, how do I even begin that conversation. Two, I don’t want him to think he needs to stay home with me again. I mean I want him to stay home, for my own selfish reasons, but I don’t want to be the reason he doesn’t live his life. I’m curled up on the couch, attempting to watch TV, when he gets home. 

       “Hi!” He seems cheery; the case must have gone well. 

       “Hi,” I mumble. It feels like it takes all my energy just to whisper. God damn depression. He comes over and sits next to me. After a few minutes of sitting in silence he whispers, “What’s wrong?” I open and close my mouth a couple times before finally bursting into tears. I don’t even know why I’m crying to be honest. I just am. He holds me while I cry and doesn’t push me to talk when I’m done. Finally I get out a, “Sorry.”

       “Don’t apologize. Just let me help you.”

       “I just, I don’t even know why I was crying. I mean I do, but I don’t and-,” Thankfully he cuts me off, “Y/N take a breath.” He reaches for my hand, but I pull back. I don’t feel like I deserve to have him touch me right now. He looks sad and worried when I reject his touch. 

       “What is it? Please tell me.”

       “It’s just... I don’t deserve you. David Baker was right. He was right about everything he said. I’m weak and useless and unneeded and- and-,” Spencer cuts me off.

       “Y/N, no. You can’t believe any of that.”

       “Why not?”

       “Because it’s not true. David Baker knew nothing about you. He said those things to get under your skin. It was just another way for him to torture you. You can’t let him get to you. You  _ are  _ needed and you’re definitely not weak or useless.”

       “Oh, really? Who needs me, Spencer? Who?”

       “For one, me. I do. Y/N, I need you more than you could ever realize.” I look down at my hands.

       “I don’t deserve you. You should have a nice, pretty, uncomplicated girlfriend that will cheer you up when you come home from hard cases. Not my ugly, blubbering, mess.”

       “Y/N, you’re not ugly.”

       “How can you say that when you’ve seen all my scars. And not just the ones he gave me.”

       “I don’t think your scars are ugly, no matter who made them. And I don’t want any other girlfriend. I want you. I need  _ you _ .”

       “It’s so hard to believe you when I see the reminder on my stomach every time I change.” I look up at him. I’m unconsciously running my hands over my stomach and he pulls them away, replacing them with his own.

       “This doesn’t mean anything. If anything it just proves how wrong he was. You’re not weak, you’re strong- you survived what he did. This should be a reminder of what you survived.”

       “I just- I don’t know if I can believe it.”

       “Please. Y/N, this is part of the depression. It makes sense that it would become worse after everything you went through.”

       “I know. I know this is part of the depression, I just can’t make myself let that change anything. I don’t know why.” Tentatively he pulls me into a hug and I let him. 

       “Would you be willing to go talk to someone? PTSD plus depression is a nasty combination and I think talking to someone would help you a lot. Just for now, until you can get through this.” I nod. He pulls away and looks me in the eye. “There’s one- okay two things I need you to try to do. For me.” I nod again. “One, try to remember how much I love you. And two, tell me when you start having these thoughts, okay? I don’t care where I am or what I’m doing. I want you to tell me, whether it be calling or texting or talking to me, okay?”

       “What if you’re doing something important. I don’t want you to put my life over someone else's. If you’re trying to find an unsub, I don’t want to distract you.”’

       “First of all,  _ you  _ are the most important thing to me... But if I am doing something important, I promise I will finish it first. Also, Penelope said you could join her whenever you want. You know she’ll cheer you up without you even having to ask. Please go see her when I’m no here, okay?” He adds. “These feelings will come and go, but I promise I will be here for you when they come.” 

       I suddenly feel exhausted and he must realize this because he picks me up and takes me to bed. He takes off his clothes, pulling some sweatpants on, and curls up behind me. His arms wrap around me and I feel safe. I snuggle back into him and fall asleep almost immediately.


	19. A New Case

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, I'm soooooooooo sorry. I know I disappeared for a bit, but I'm going to make it up to you by posting the rest of the story right now.

_ A couple weeks later. _

I text Felicity as soon as I wake up in the morning:

 

**Y/N:** I’m going back today. It’ll be my first case since everything...

 

**Felicity:** Are you sure you’re ready?

 

**Y/N:** Honestly, no. But I can’t just sit around and let Spencer and all the rest of my friends go off on dangerous cases. All I do while their gone  is sit around and worry if they’re going to come back. 

 

**Felicity:** Well, I’m sure everything will be fine. I know your team, they won’t let you do anything too extreme for a while. They care about you too much.

 

**Y/N:** Yeah... I’m just nervous I’m going to screw something up. I haven’t been on a case for months. 

 

**Felicity:** You won’t. 

 

**Y/N:** How do you know?

**  
** **Felicity:** You’re too good at what you do. And even if you do, your team will be with you the whole time. 

 

**Y/N** : I just don’t want them to treat me like I’m helpless.

 

**Felicity:** They won’t. They might worry a little, but they’ll treat you the same as they did before everything happened.

 

**Y/N** : Hopefully. I gotta go, I’m here. Talk to you later.

 

**Felicity** : Okay. Keep me updated.

 

        I turn my phone off as the elevators ding open and I walk into the bullpen. Everyone is already in the meeting room so I quickly drop my stuff at my desk. They all stop talking as soon as I walk in.  _ They were talking about you _ . There’s an awkward silence for a second before Garcia comes up and hugs me.

“Y/N! We’re so happy you’re back!” I smile and hug her back. Our little reunion is interrupted by Hotch walking in.

“Y/N, it’s good to have you back, but we need to get going. Miami PD needs our help.”

 Thirty minutes later we’re airborne. Someone has been dumping date rape drugs into girls’ drinks at a local club then taking them out back to the alley where he and his friends rape them. When we get there, JJ and I are sent to interview the victims.

“Hi, Alyssa, my name is JJ and this is my partner Y/N. We’re from the FBI. We were wondering if we could ask you some questions about what happened to you.”

“I’ve already told the police everything I remember.”

“I know. That’s why we’re here. We want to try something that could help you unlock some memories from that night.”

“What are you going to do?” her father asks.

“It’s called a cognitive interview. It’s all in her mind, nothing physical.” I explain.

“And we can stop anytime you want to,” JJ adds to the girl.

“I’m not sure-,” her mother starts to protest, but Alyssa cuts her off.

“I’ll do it. Anything to stop this from happening to someone else.” JJ nods and says, “We should go somewhere you feel comfortable.”

“My room?”

“That works.” We follow her upstairs and down a hallway. Her parents start to follow, but I say, “It would be best if you weren’t there. The less distractions the better.” Her parents start to protest, but I say, “Please. We’re just trying to get more information so we can stop the man who did this. She’s not in any danger.” Finally, they consent. Up in the girl's room, JJ and I sit at the end of the girls bed while she leans against her headboard.

        “Okay, close your eyes,” JJ starts. “Now, what  _ can  _ you remember from that night?”

        “Well, it was my friend’s birthday so we decided to take her out to a club. We got there around nine and we found a table to sit at. I went to the bar and got us all drinks. I remember feeling like someone was watching me, but at the time I thought it was just my friends. I got the drinks and brought them back to the table. After a couple rounds, we decided we wanted to dance. I got tired of it before the rest of them so I decided to rest at the bar. I remember my feet were hurting because my friend convinced me to wear her heels. After about two drinks at the bar, my head was starting to hurt and it was too loud for me so I headed out the nearest door I could find. That’s all I can remember. I’m sorry.”

        “No, that’s okay. Let’s go back to the bar. You said you had two drinks before you started not feeling well.” Alyssa nods. “Okay, look around. Who’s around you?”

        “To my right is a group of guys who seem drunk out of their minds.”

        “How old?”

        “About my age. College kids.”

        “Okay. And to your left?”

        “There’s a guy facing away from me. He’s talking to a girl. She doesn’t seem too happy that he’s bothering her. She tries to leave, but he grabs her wrist. She yanks it away from him and cries out like it hurts. That alerts the bar tender and he goes over to tell the guy to leave her alone. Then he comes back and gets my second drink order.”

        “Does anyone else come over while you’re drinking?

        “No.”

        “Can you tell me what the man to your left looked like?” The girls face wrinkles up and it looks like she’s having a hard time recalling specific features.

        “He has brown hair. He’s tall and muscular. His voice… his voice is rough and deep.”

        “Can you tell us anything else? Did he have a peculiar scent?”

        “Yeah actually. He smelled like… cologne.” She wrinkles her nose like there’s something bothering her.

        “Why is that weird?”

        “He’s had a beer in front of him, half finished, and he was acting like he was already drunk. He should have smelled like alcohol. Right?”

        “Yes. That’s very good.”

        “What is it?” I ask. Her face is still scrunched up like she’s confused.

        “It’s just… that cologne.”

        “Do you recognize it?”

        “Kind of. I know it, but I don’t know where from.”

        “Okay, let’s go to the alley,” JJ says. “How does it feel outside? Warm?”

        “No. The club was way too hot so outside feels really nice.”

        “Okay, what can you hear?”

        “Nothing. Well, not nothing, but everything seems muted compared to inside. Wait. I hear… the door open behind me.”

“Okay, turn around. What do you see?”

        “I can’t… I can’t see. Everything is blurry.” She starts to panic.

        “Okay, that’s okay. Does anyone say anything?”

        “I hear laughing. I feel like I’m surrounded, but I can’t see anything.”

        “Okay, do you smell anything out of the ordinary?” She gasps.

        “That cologne. I can smell that guy’s cologne!” JJ clasps the girl’s hand.

        “Okay, it’s okay. You’re here now, you’re safe.” The girl starts crying.

        “Hey, it’s okay. You did very good. You figured out who drugged you.”

        “Do you think you could describe that man to a sketch artist?” I ask hesitantly. The girl sniffs and nods. I leave JJ and go back downstairs to the parents. They jump up when they see me.

        “She did great. She was able to identify who slipped the drugs into her drink.”

        “Does that mean you can catch the guy?”

        “It gets us a hell of a lot closer to catching him, yes.”

        “Thank you,” the mother sobs.

        “You’re welcome.” I excuse myself so I can call the rest of the team and tell them what we found.

        A few hours later, Garcia calls us back with the name of our suspect.

        “Okay, so I ran that sketch you gave me and the guy you’re looking for is Sean Campbell. He was arrested on two other occasions for sexual assault.”

        “Thank you, Baby Girl,” Morgan says and hangs up.

        “Let’s go bring him in.” Rossi says.

        A few hours later, Sean Campbell is sitting in the interrogation room while we wait for the results of the DNA test we’re running. We’re comparing the DNA from Alyssa’s rape kit to this man’s DNA. It’s then that the chief from the Miami police department comes in and says, “They don’t match.”

        “What?” Morgan demands.

        “Sean’s DNA doesn’t match any of the DNA found in Alyssa’s rape kit.

        “How is that possible?” I ask.

        “I have no idea. I guess Alyssa was wrong.” I shake my head.

        “No. You didn’t see her. She was seriously spooked when she recalled this guy. It has to be him.”

        “Not necessarily.” Reid says. I look at him questioningly. “It could be that this group is a lot more organized than we originally thought. Maybe Sean  _ was _ the one that drugged her, but he never partook in the rape. If these guys were smart, they wouldn’t want any one of them to be identifiable so the guy who gives the drug doesn’t get to participate so that there’s no way the girls can identify anyone we can match DNA to.”

        “Makes sense,” Emily agrees.

        “That explains why Sean came in so easily and was fine giving us the DNA sample. He knew we wouldn’t get a match.” Morgan says.

        “Now what?” I ask.

        “We could try interviewing him again, but he didn’t seem like he was going to give anything away.”

        “Well, Morgan and Emily, you guys go in there one more time and try. After that we’re going to have to let him go,” Hotch says.  Of course, the guy doesn’t give us anything so when we turn in for the night, we’re back at square one.

        “You know, we could always go to the club. Sean never saw me so I could-.“ Spencer cuts me off, “No.”

“Why not? This is the reason I was hired, because I _can_ do this.” Spencer doesn’t look happy, but he doesn’t say anything. Hotch glances at Spencer before saying, “It’s six. We have three hours before the club opens. Do you think you can be ready by then?”

“Absolutely.”

The men usually take girls who look like Barbie dolls so that’s how I end up in a bleach blonde wig and heaps of makeup with a short, but flowy dress to top it all off. Emily and JJ help me get ready and we talk as we do.

“How are you, Y/N? Really?”

“I’m fine!” They both glare at my reflection in the mirror. “Look, I admit that I’m a little nervous since I was out for so long, but I really am doing good.” There’s silence for a second before JJ says, “Well I’m glad.”

“So how’s it going with Spencer?” Emily asks. I roll my eyes as they giggle.

        Everyone stares as I walk back in the conference room.

“Y/N, you look… different as a blonde.” Rossi says.

“I know, I’m not a fan either.” I respond. They suit up and we head to the club.

It doesn’t take long for me to spot Sean sitting at the bar. Slowly, I make my way over and order a drink. I pretend to sip it, waiting for him to make his move. As I’m surveying the room for all the exits, I see him pretend that someone bumped into him, giving him a reason to be near my drink. I don’t see the drugs, but I know they’re in there now. The rest of the team gives me a heads up and I wait about ten minutes before I start to act like I’m feeling the effects and step out into the alley. A couple seconds after I close the door behind me, I hear it open again and Sean and three other guys come out. In a second I am surrounded and pushed up against the wall. I cry out and struggle to get away from them. I’m just acting until the man on top of me grabs my hands and traps them above my head. That’s when the panic attack starts.

Something about Y/N’s cries are off. Spencer stands up, headed towards the door, but Morgan stops him.

“She’s got this under control. She would tell us if she didn’t.” Spencer hesitates, but finally nods and goes to sit back at his table. It’s agonizing to hear her cries. Not just to him, but the whole team. They sound too much like the noises that came out of Penelope’s computer.

“Spence,” Y/N whispers. Spencer shoots up and starts pushing his way through the crowd, desperately trying to get to the door.

 


	20. Safe

        “Reid! Reid!” Morgan shouts, following him out the door. Both are pushing through the crowd and the rest of the team is on their feet, following close behind. Finally, Spencer throws the door open and Morgan runs out yelling, “FBI, FREEZE!” The men drop Y/N and she slumps to the floor. They start to run, but Spencer, Morgan, Hotch, and Rossi all run after them. JJ and Emily kneel down next to Y/N.

        “Y/N? Can you hear me?” JJ asks. She doesn’t respond. Emily takes her hand and starts rubbing small circles on the back of it.

        “Y/N, you need to come back. You’re not with them anymore okay? You’re here with us, your friends. You’re safe.” Emily says softly. She continues rubbing soft circles on my hand. “Can you feel that Y/N? Focus on my hand. Focus on my voice. Come back to us.” Emily and JJ wait as I slowly regain focus. And then start crying. Both women wrap me up in a hug. “Hey, it’s okay,” Emily whispers.

        “I’m so sorry. I didn’t- I didn’t think I would-,”

        “Y/N, you have nothing to apologize for. We caught the guys because of you,” JJ reassures her.

“You did?”

        “Yep, the guys are making the arrest right now.” They wait patiently as I recover my breath.

        “Do you think you can get up?” I nod and stand up on shaky legs. They help me make my way over to where the guys are forcing the boys they caught into the backs of the police cars. Spencer comes over as soon as he’s done. He hugs me and I hug him back tightly. Something about him always makes me feel safe. He hugs me until I pull back, hanging my head and trying to avoid his eyes.

        “Hey,” he says, “Look at me.” Gently he puts his finger under my chin and lifts it up until I am looking him in the eye. “Why don’t you want to look at me?” he asks softly.  I glance over at everyone else. They’ve stepped back far enough that they probably can’t hear what we’re saying, but they’re still staring. Spencer follows my gaze then leads me away and over to one of the cars. Him and I get in one and the others let us go back by ourselves. I don’t say anything the whole ride back and neither does he. When we get back to the hotel, Spencer leads me up to his room and closes the door behind him.

        “Morgan will probably figure we’re in here and leave us alone for a while.” He goes over and sits on one of the beds while I stand on the opposite side of the room, looking out the window.

        “Y/N...Y/N will you please talk to me?” There’s a pause, but I don’t say anything. “Why won’t you talk to me? Or even look at me?” he asks quietly. I can tell he’s hurt. I sigh.

        “Because Spencer I- I’m ashamed.” I look at him through the reflection in the mirror. He’s looking back.

        “Ashamed?”

        “Yes, ashamed!” I say, angry now. I turn around and start pacing.

        “You don’t have anything to be ashamed about.”

        “Oh really? I don’t have anything to be ashamed about, hu? What about the fact that I completely blew the mission? What about the fact that I just had a breakdown in front of everybody after insisting everything was fine? What about the fact that I just had a panic attack because some boy pinned my hands above my head?” I’m yelling by now, but Spencer knows I’m not mad at him. I’m mad at myself. “I mean, who does that? How stupid is that? I-” Spencer stands up and wraps his hands around my arms, stopping me.

        “It’s not stupid, Y/N.”

        “Yes it is,” I say, looking down, trying not to let him see the tears forming in my eyes.

        “Hey, look at me.” I look up and when he sees the tears he pulls me into a hug. I just stand there, letting him, but not hugging him back.

        “God, Y/N, you’re so brave. I wish you could see that.” That makes me start full on crying and I finally hug him back, desperate to hold onto something so my knees don’t give out. He leads me back to one of the beds and holds me while I cry.

 

        When I’ve calmed down, I say, “I’m sorry I messed up. I really did think everything was better. I didn’t know that would happen.”

        “It’s okay. I get it, I really do.” I hug him again, tightly.

        “Thank you.”

        “Maybe you need a little bit more time before getting back in the field. Help Garcia from the office and help yourself, okay?” I nod.

        “And thank you for dealing with my breakdown just now.” He smiles a small smile.

        “When will you get it through that thick head of yours? I’ll always be here for your breakdowns. To hold you and comfort you. Because I love you.” I look him in the eye.

       _“I love you too, Spence.”_


	21. Victims

_ A couple weeks later. _

        “Y/N?”

“Hey, Spence. What’s up?”

“Can you come in?”

“Come in?”

“Yeah, we uh- we need your help with a local case.”

“Of course, I’ll be there in twenty.” I grab my gun and badge and run out the door, happy to have something to do. Twenty minutes later I’m walking into the bullpen. Six anxious faces look up at me.

        “What? What is it?” Slowly Hotch stands up and says, “It’s David Baker.” My heart stops with those three words.

        “I- I don’t understand. Spencer said you needed help with a case.”

        “We just needed to get you here without you panicking. I’m sorry,” Spencer says.

        “Maybe you should come sit down.” Rossi offers. We all make our way to the meeting room and take our seats.

        “For the past couple weeks, some of the people we saved along with you have been turning up dead. We couldn’t figure out the connection between them until today.” I wait expectantly for Garcia to finish. “David Baker bid on every single one of them.”

        “You mean he’s going after his victims?” She nods slowly. It takes me a second to put two and two together and realize that that means I’m in danger. 

        “Don’t worry, we’re going to get you into witness protection,” Hotch assures me.

        “What?! No!”

“I told you,” Spencer mutters.

“Y/N, it’s the safest thing for you right now.”

“No!” I can’t believe this. Witness protection?”

“Y/N,” Emily starts, but I cut her off, “No, not going to happen. I’m going to stay right here and help you guys find him.”

“Y/N, you’re too connected to this case,” Hotch says.

        “If you think for one second I’m not going to do everything I can to find this son of a bitch, you’re delusional.” I try for a different approach. “Hotch, I understand the issues, but you’ve got to understand…” He sighs and after a second he says, “I do.” He looks like he’s about to say something he’s going to regret, but still does. “You have to be with two of us at all times, do you understand? And you can’t go back to your apartment, it’s an obvious target. And if he’s had you under surveillance at all he’ll know about your connection with Spencer so his apartment is off limits as well. We don’t know how he’s finding his victims so you can’t use any credit cards and we’ll supply you with a new phone, under an alias.” I nod along with everything he says, happy with anything that’ll keep me out of witness protection.  
“Okay. I just need to grab some things from my apartment-“

        “No. Someone will get them for you."  
“You think he’s after me right now?”

“We don’t know, but we can’t be too careful.” I nod and tell JJ what I need. Her and Emily head to my apartment and I go over to Spencer.

“How long have you know about this?”

“We’ve known he was killing for about a month, but it wasn’t until today that we realized the significance his victims had.”

“A month? And you didn’t tell me?”

“I didn’t think it was a big deal. Like I said, it wasn’t until today that we connected everything.” I huff, but know he’s right. He wraps his arms around me. “How are you?” I hear the worry in his voice.

“Terrified,” I whisper. “Angry, but also a little relieved. Now we can find him and put him away for good.” He nods holding me tighter.

“I swear I won’t let him anywhere near you.”

“What about all his other potential victims?”

“We’re trying to identify them and put them in witness protection.” I thought dawns on me.

“What about Felicity? Could she be a target?”

“We don’t know,” he sighs. “The zoo was around for a long time before we found it. It’s hard to know what happened in that time.”

“I could ask her.”

“Yeah, that works for her, but what about all the other victims out there?”

“I don’t know.”

 

Hotch gets me a new phone the next day, as promised, and I call Felicity.

“Hello?”

“Felicity? It’s Y/N.”

“Y/N? This isn’t your number.”

“I know. Look, I hate to ask this, but, the guy who tortured me, did he ever do anything to you?” There’s silence on the other end. Finally, she says, “No.”

“Never?”

“I don’t think so, why?”

“He’s hunting down the people he paid for and killing them.” She gasps. “Are you sure he never did anything to you?” She thinks longer this time, but eventually says, “No.” I breathe a sigh of relief.

“Good.”

“What about you?”

“I’m with my team, they’re keeping me safe. This is my new number by the way. I had to get rid of my old phone so he couldn’t track it.”

“Okay. Be careful, Y/N.”

“I will. Bye Felicity.”


	22. Cabin Fever

      “Spence, how much longer do you think I’m going to have to keep living here in the BAU?” He sighs.

      “I don’t know. I’m sorry. But you know we’re doing everything we can to track him down.”

      “I know you are, but...”

      “It’s taking forever. I know,” he finishes for me. “But we’re trying our best.” I nod. I know, but that doesn’t help the cabin fever I’m getting.

      “Couldn’t we just... I don’t know, draw him out or something?” 

      “How?”

      “By using me as bait?”

      “Absolutely not.” I sigh. I knew he was going to say that, but it was worth a shot.

      “Spence, I’m going crazy in here!”

      “I know.” Something about his tone makes me look over at him and the way he’s looking at me makes me shiver. “I can think of a few things we could do to keep you distracted.” I feel my stomach clench and I’m about to say I do too when...

      “Guys!” Garcia runs in. She’s looking pretty worn out. She’s been here almost as much as I have, trying to find this guy for me. There are dark circles under her eyes and her usually happy energy is gone. “Someone just broke into Y/N’s apartment.”

      “You think it’s him?” Spencer asks.

      “According to the cameras it is.” I jump up and head for the door. Spencer grabs my arm, stopping me.

      “Y/N, there’s no way we can make it there in time. He’s going to leave as soon as he realizes you’re not home.”

      “He’s right,” Garcia says.

      “Of course he is,” I mumble.

      “David’s already on his way out and it would take at least five minutes to get to your apartment from here. And that’s going  _ fast _ . He’ll be gone by then.” I sigh and slump back onto the couch I’ve been calling my bed for the past two weeks. “Hey, this is good. This is a lead. I’m going to try and follow him and find out where he goes through the city’s cameras. If we can find where he’s hiding out, we can bust him.”

      “Thank you, Garcia.” She leaves and I lay back down on my “bed”, my head in Spencer’s lap. 

      “We will find him, Y/N. I promise.”

      “I know.”

 

      The next morning, once everyone’s gotten in, Garcia calls us to the conference room. On the TV are various pictures of David Baker.

      “Okay, so here’s what I’ve got. David Baker has been staying at some run down motel in town. He must’ve paid in cash or with a credit card under a fake name because none of his cards were charged. The only way I could find him was by following him after he left Y/N’s apartment last night.”

      “Wait, he was at Y/N’s apartment?” Morgan asks.

      “Yeah, last night around midnight. I guess he was trying to catch her while she was sleeping.”

      “Why didn’t you tell us?”

      “Because he left as soon as he realized she wasn’t there. He was in and out in less than five minutes.”

      “Okay, so if we know where he’s staying, why don’t we go there and get him?” JJ asks.

      “Because we have to be one hundred percent sure he’s there or else we’ll lose him. He’ll know we’ve been there and he’ll disappear again,” Hotch says.   
“I’ve had the place under surveillance for the past 13 hours, but he hasn’t showed up. Either he’s still there or he went out a back way. Which is completely possible because there aren’t many cameras and there are blind spots.”

      “We’re going to have to wait until we see him coming back. That’ll be our chance.”

 

      We have to wait three days before he slips up and uses the door under surveillance.

      “Guys! Code red! David Baker just got back to his room,” Garcia yells.

      “Are you sure?” Hotch asks. Garcia nods and he says, “Okay everybody, suit up. It’s time to take this son of a bitch down.” 

 

      Spencer comes over to me as I’m strapping on my bulletproof vest. 

      “Are you sure you’re up for this? Everyone will understand if you stay behind.”

      “I’m one hundred percent sure. I need to get this guy. You know that.”

      “And you don’t think seeing him will trigger anything?”

      “You mean like a panic attack?” He nods. “I guess we’re going to find out.”

 


	23. David Baker Reprise

      The ride down is tense. The only talking we do is to coordinate our plan of attack. Too soon we’ve surrounded the building and I’m hoping out of the van. We quickly get into position. Spence, Morgan, JJ, and I are going through his door while Morgan, Emily and Rossi are blocking his window exits. Morgan and JJ go in first with Spencer and I right behind them. He has his back to us when we barge in and Morgan yells, “FBI, show us your hands.” Slowly, he turns around. It stops me dead in my tracks. That’s the face that haunts me in my dreams. This is the man who has caused me so much pain. He’s standing right in front of me. And grinning. Before I can warn him, Morgan lunges. I unfreeze and pull Spencer to the ground as the bathroom door flies open and a spray of bullets goes through the air. Of course he has his own personal bodyguards. Morgan falls and Spencer and I crawl over to him while JJ takes on the two bodyguards. 

      “Morgan!” I cry.

      “It’s okay.” He coughs. He definitely doesn’t look okay. “He only got my vest. I’ll be fine.” That’s when I hear JJ cry out as one of the guys throws her across the room. She hits the wall and falls to the ground. I give Spencer a look and he nods. Spencer jumps up and head towards David and his men while I go over to JJ to make sure she’s okay. 

      “JJ,” I choke out. Her eyes are closed and there’s blood streaming from her head. “Oh god, please be okay JJ.” I gasp when I see her eyes start to flutter open. Behind me, I hear Spencer grunt as he takes hit after hit. I’m about to call out to him when I see one of the guys raise a gun, but before I can, Morgan knocks the gun out of his hand. I turn back to JJ when I hear her groan. I help her sit up and start to inspect the cut on her head. 

      “I’m fine,” she rasps. “A little out of breath, but I’m fine.”

      “You’re head-”

      “It’s just a cut,” she insists.

      “Baker’s trying to sneak out!” I spin around to see Baker sidestepping the fighting going on and heading for the open door.

      “Go!” JJ says. I jump up and beat him to the doorway.

      “I don’t think so. We’ve got you Baker. Tell you’re guards to stand down.”

      “You know, I never did think your friends were going to come for you. You didn’t seem like someone anybody would really care about.”

      “You don’t know anything about me.”

      “Oh, I know quite a lot about you. I know you are the newest member of your team. I know you took time off once they saved you. I also know that you’ve never really been the same since. Haven’t gone on many cases and the ones you did go on, you royally fucked up.” I falter, just for a second, but it gives him the opening he needs. He hits me over the head with a lamp he’s picked up and pushes me out of his way. I stumble and my vision goes blurry. I try to go after him, but I can’t seem to walk in a straight line. I don’t give up though, I can’t. I’m about to fall over when I hear, “Freeze!” It’s Emily.

      “Ah, now you would have been a fine piece in the Zookeeper’s collection. You would’ve made him more money than she ever could.”

      “Shut up and put your hands in the air.” My vision is starting to clear and I see Rossi and Hotch have joined Spencer and Morgan and they seem to be beating Baker’s men. He tries to turn towards the now free window, but I get in his path and raise my gun. My hand doesn’t waver as I aim.

      “Move and I shoot you,” I threaten. Of course, he tries leaping towards the other window, but I pull the trigger. He goes down. 

      Baker’s men seem to hesitate once he’s down and it gives Morgan and Spencer the chance to handcuff them. I run over to Baker. He’s trying to stand back up and failing since I shot him in his leg. I quickly pin him to the floor and handcuff him, tightening them just a bit more than necessary. He cries out. I force him to his feet and out to the waiting police cars. He’s having trouble moving, but I drag him out. I force him into one of the police cars and shut the door firmly behind him. I turn around to see Spencer coming over to me. 

      “You got him. It’s over.” I can’t help the smile that creeps over my face and Spencer pulls me into a tight hug. “You’re safe.” It sounds like he’s saying it more for himself than for me. I pull back and kiss him. Hard.

      “I’m safe and I love you.”

      “I love you too.” 

      Once we make our way over to the rest of the team, they all give me hugs.

      “You did it, Y/N,” Morgan says.

      “ _ We _ did it.”

 


	24. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for any errors in the last few chapters. I wrote them pretty quick and didn't do as much editing as I usually do. Thank you to anyone who stuck with me even though I kept disappearing every couple of months and thank you to anyone who has kudo'd or commented or subscribed, it means a lot.

      Later that night, we all find ourselves gathered around Rossi’s kitchen, sipping wine and laughing. My hand is in Spencer’s and everything just feels right. It’s a crazy feeling knowing David Baker isn’t out in the world anymore. I feel like I can finally live again without having to be looking over my shoulder or imagining that every guy on the street is him. I know my panic attacks won’t magically stop and there’s still a lot of work I need to do to be one hundred percent again, but looking around at my team, my friends, I know I won’t have to do it on my own.

**Author's Note:**

> Any comments would be amazing. This is my first story fanfic and I'm not sure how I'm doing so please let me know. Any suggestions are appreciated.


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